We Survived The Monsters

Mental State

Time passed and I was scared out of my mind. I was paranoid around every turn of a corner. Other students started rumors about who the father was. They would say it could have been several different people. I had never done anything with anyone. Dylan hurt me but they didn't know that and it was none of their business. I would wear a heavy coat that hid my belly. I was ashamed. I felt disgusting. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to run away but I had nowhere to go and I was a minor I would just be sent back to that house. All I could do was put on a face and attitude as if I was fine but inside I was far from it.
I

planned to put him up for adoption. How in the world could I care for a child when I didn't want to even breathe. I knew my uncle had been trying to adopt forever so I was going to see if he wanted the baby because I thought I couldn't handle it. But then at the doctor I heard his heartbeat and saw the baby in the ultrasound. The nurse told me I was having a boy I was excited and scared and the same time. I knew at that moment I could never give up my baby. He was my baby boy and I would protect him at all cost no matter what. I was also terrified when she said boy because what if he looked just like him what if I looked in his eyes and that was all I could see. I knew I just couldn't think about that I needed to try to stay positive.

I would cry in the shower every night and when he would kick I'd be happy for a split second and then it would play over and over in my head. Everything made what he did to me replay in my head. Things I once loved doing or wearing I no longer had interest in. I wore baggy clothes and I hated myself. I stopped painting and writing in my journal. The one person I needed to talk to was gone. My uncle who was like a dad to me had passed away a few years ago I felt so alone and scared. Everyone expected me to be normal and be that same happy person. The girl I once was died the night he hurt me. I didn't know who I was anymore and I didn't care. I just wanted the pain to go away.

For a while I blamed God I couldn't understand why he would let this happen or why no matter how many times I prayed begging him to take away all the pain and fear it was never gone. To this day o still get so afraid when I'm on public because I now know how sick people can be. I've experienced what nobody should and I thought nobody knew and that was my mistake. I thought it was safer for me to stay silent but I was wrong.