The Dead Boy's Guide To Second Chances

27. the heart hand-over

FIVE MONTHS AND THIRTY DAYS AFTER THE DEATH OF OLIVER SALLOW

Months after their break-up, Finn couldn't so much as look at the library, much less step foot inside. In his mind, the library and Oliver were synonymous—both comforting and secretive, nostalgic and formidable. Two safe havens he'd gotten himself exiled from in one fell swoop.

Finn doesn't think that his friends ever came back, either. As they burst through the doors that morning, they look just as puzzled as they did that first time.

Unlike last time, Finn is actually expecting them today. He's carefully picked out a desk that's within sight of the door so they won't have to search for him, but still secluded enough that they aren't on display for the entire library. It's busier now that A-Levels are imminent and their study leave has started. Finn is sort of glad for the soft chatter that can fill in the silence should things get awkward.

His palms are sweaty as he watches Aarun, Kavi and James approach. Wiping them on his pants, he glances Oliver's way. He's sitting in the windowsill, boots propped up in front of him. When they make eye contact, he gives Finn a reassuring thumbs-up.

His words from last night echo in Finn's mind again: You're the bravest person I know, Finn. I could never imagine handing my heart to someone like this.

Two years ago, Finn would've thought the same thing. But he's eighteen now, still in love with the same boy he was then, and he's tired of the secrecy. If coming out to his friends is handing them his heart, then he knows, deep down, that they'll treat it with care. They're silly about a lot of things, but never the ones that could hurt him. Never the ones that matter.

"Birdie!" Aarun greets him.

With a smile, Finn reaches across the desk to accept his fist bump, then Kavi's and James'.

"What's this?" Kavi gestures at the empty desk. "I thought we were here to study. Where's your stuff?"

"Oh, er, it's here." Finn grabs a few of his books from the windowsill, his knuckles brushing Oliver's boots in the process. "But there was actually something else I wanted to talk to you about before we start."

James nods knowingly. "The going away present for Coach Wiley. Honestly, I think we should just buy him a coupon for, like, a spa or something after all the stress we've put him through this season."

"True," Aarun agrees. "Did you guys see how grey his hair's gotten? Man needs a—"

"It's not about the present," Finn interrupts them. "It's... a bit personal."

From across the table, Kavi meets his gaze. In the few seconds they hold eye contact, Finn can tell that Kavi knows where this is going. Under the table, his foot nudges Finn's.

He takes a deep breath. "You guys remember when I used to come here all the time?"

James raises his eyebrows. "Yeah. You were on a real study trip back then."

"I... I didn't really come here to study." Finn clears his throat. "I came here to see Oliver."

"Wait." Aarun frowns, confused. "Oliver Sallow? The Oliver who...?"

"Yeah." Finn glances over at Oliver. His gaze is already resting on Finn, warm and heavy as a blanket. Haloed by the pale morning light, he looks so beautiful Finn feels like something inside him is cracking. His voice comes out utterly firm as he adds: "We had a thing."

There's a brief moment of silence during which Aarun and James look confused while Kavi squints at them like he's telepathically willing them not to say anything stupid.