The Things That I Know || George Michael

seventeen - going down that route

"I—I didn't—" Levi stammers, unable to quite get the words out that he wishes to say.

"You didn't what?" George presses, moving forward to take the diary from his husband. "You didn't what? You didn't consider my feelings when you decided to snoop through my personal writing? You didn't think I'd catch you?"

"I-I only wanted to tear a single page out from the back of it," Levi stutters. "The pages flipped straight to your entries, I swear it, George."

"You're aware that this book is the only shred of privacy I have—well, had? I write the truth in there about everything. One of the main rules I have, is that you don't go through it unless I allow it." George snatches the book from Levi, locking it with the padlock. "What if the kids had have found you reading it, and asked what you were looking at?"

"I'm sorry, George." Levi sits at the edge of the bed, his eyes slowly scanning the room; looking everywhere but at George. "I promise you, I didn't intend to invade your privacy. You know I wouldn't do that to you."

"Hm." The Greek takes a seat by his lover's side, deciding it's best to let the subject go. "It is what it is, I suppose."

"Although, I do want to mention one of the things I read in there," Levi mentions, clearly apprehensive, but knowing needs must. "If that's okay with you."

"So you did snoop?" George accuses. "You actually read some of it."

"Well, you never tell me much about how you're feeling," Levi explains. "I understand that you're upset over your mum's passing ... but that's about as deep as it goes. I used to be the one you told everything to. What happened to that?"

"It's not that simple," George explains, his voice softening. "I wish I could tell you what's going on inside of here—" He taps his head, to emphasise his statement. "—But I can't. Even I struggle to understand anything other than numbness at the minute."

"And clearly ... clearly you understand how little you want to be alive, too." By now, Levi has a small layer of tears in his eyes; the idea of his best friend feeling so bleak about his life and his future breaks his heart. "I need you to be telling me all these feelings, so I can help you."

"It's nothing I've not felt before," George dismisses hurriedly. "I've wanted to die plenty of times before. I'm still here, aren't I?"

"But that was because of something entirely different — something that could be fixed. Your mother's death? You can't change that. It's going to haunt you for the rest of your life ... and I'm so sorry for that."

"I deserve it anyway; it was my fault." George shakes his head, rising from his position on the mattress. "I'm going to see to the kids; read them a story. I'll be back in later."

Levi's response causes George to halt for a moment. "This conversation isn't over, my darling."

"It is for now." With these words spoken, he leaves the room, isolating Levi with his thoughts.

"Kids? It's time to settle down for sleep, now." George enters Kieran's room, where both children are sat giggling about something trivial. "Gem, go back to your room and get your pyjamas on. Kieran, you need to get changed for bed, too."

Both kids follow their father's instructions, while George selects a storybook from the shelf against the wall. He observes as his son nestles into bed, before reading aloud to him. Meanwhile, Levi decides to pay a visit to his daughter in her room — in order to save George time once he's done with Kieran.

"Hey, sweetheart. Are you alright?" he asks her gently, slipping into the room. "I just thought I'd come and say goodnight to you before you go to sleep."