The Things That I Know || George Michael

thirty-nine - i love you

"Gem and Kieran have got Lucy and Ivory taken care of. We've got some time now to sit together, just us, to talk a little."

George pats the seat next to him on the sofa, hinting at Birdie to sit down. She gives a smile to her father, accepting the invitation without hesitation. For a moment, she sits in silence, contemplating exactly what it is she wishes to ask him. She watches as he glances down and takes her hand within his own — a touch she has longed for her entire life.

"Um." She falters, searching her mind for the words to use. "I guess I just want to know about you. Everything."

"That's a rather broad subject, darling," George responds. "Where do I start?"

"After you left Mum," Birdie requests. "I just want to know where you went. What you did. I know you've briefly explained before, but I wanted to know in more detail."

"Okay." He nods, pressing the palm of his free hand to his knee, as a visual bracing for his answer. "Well, I'd known since I was fifteen that I was gay. But even with knowing that, I ... I was rather promiscuous. I never had any long-term relationship — well, not for the first few years after I figured things out. Your mum was, unfortunately, one of those people I just saw as a casual fling. It didn't mean much to me. She was a lovely girl, don't get me wrong ... just not what I was into. Quite literally. I only saw her as a one-night stand, or perhaps a few nights. I think she saw it as far more. I cut it off with her because it never meant much to me to begin with. But you should know that, if I'd had the knowledge you existed, I wouldn't have lost contact. I'd have been there for you the entire time. I know I was only about eighteen, but ... it wouldn't have made me a negligent or absent father. If only I'd known."

"I know." Birdie nods, her eyes softening. "I just wish you had have known I existed."

"Me too. But in another sense, I have no idea where I'd be in life now. I may not have met Levi," George reminds her. "And you wouldn't have your younger siblings. An auntie and uncle for your kids. We missed out on so many years, but it doesn't mean we haven't got the chance to make up for it."

Birdie exhales, as a substitute for a laugh. "You're right."

"But anyway," George continues. "After I left your mother, I had about three more years of doing the same thing — meaningless flings. That was, until I started a job at a cinema in Watford. I met a girl there — Stephanie — and we became friends. But that friendship eventually became a relationship. I think I'd managed to convince myself that I was capable of being in love with a woman. Or maybe, I was trying to force myself to be straight ... you know, to hide who I really was. I can't even begin to tell you how awful I felt during that time."

"So how did you end up meeting Levi?" Birdie asks.

"Steph was out at a party with her friends one evening. I was at home going through my typical depressive episodes because I hated how my life was going. I got a phone call around eleven o'clock at night. I figured it was Steph calling, to ask me to pick her up; it wasn't. It was Levi calling the wrong number. We got talking, and after that night we called frequently. I was apprehensive at first, because he was a stranger over the phone. Turns out, things worked out for the best."

"So how did you end up with Levi? Did you break up with Stephanie?"

"Well," George sighs. "It wasn't easy. Not even slightly. I was closeted and terrified of coming out. Levi and I started an affair after meeting in secret a handful of times. A couple of months in, I found out Stephanie was pregnant. I ended up feeling torn between being there for the baby, and coming out and starting my life with Levi. Not long before the baby was due, Levi became impatient for me to tell Stephanie the truth. He gave me a deadline to come out, which I ended up missing. He left me, and I became incredibly suicidal. It was rough. I ended up confessing to Stephanie, and she then told me the baby wasn't even mine. I'd spent months preparing for his arrival; months of being excited; months of anticipating being a father. And in that moment, it all came crashing down. I was heartbroken. I told Stephanie I never wanted to see her again. Don't get me wrong — we're friends now. But it hurt for so many years afterwards. But now, Levi and I are godfathers to her children, including that baby. Alex, is his name. He's only a few years younger than you."