Tw: suicide attempt mention, mental health chat, physical health chat
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I have written in this in over months. I been going through a lot. I was officially considered suicidal. A month ago I had cut myself and was overdosing pills and I felt terrible about it and like terrible human. I told my front office I regret it but it was better to tell. I had to tell my parents and I have to see a therapist now. I finally saw my dad after 2 years for spring break which made me feel a lot better. I still hate school I hate the kids and adults. Why am I so awful? Why am I clingy? "Your friends don't like you. You are too clingy they hate that." "Your just putting up a front because those breakdowns at school aren't your worse." "You know your horrible don't you? Why are you here running things?" This is what my brain is telling me but it's better now. I've been getting help I hadn't been feeling negative as much anymore. I cried Wednesday because at first this trip, we been planning since the beginning of the year, I was told I couldn't go. I held off my emotion till I got to my room then I broke. My dad talked to my mom and she said I could go! But back to my brain. It's always saying things to me awful sick twisted thing. But I distract myself so not too hear it. I love and hate myself sometimes. Some days I wish someone would love me and show it physically in the form of sex and cuddles. But I don't want that at all I don't want a relationship! I don't want none of it. I love love. But I really hate love! Why and who are you inside?! Why must you bully me and harass me over this? I don't know. That's all I can do is yell internally and sit there crying. But I'm done crying I'm done running. I'm facing my problems now I don't care if they hit me like a train. Because I will love myself and others no matter what.
My health was still headaches but then last Monday I collapsed but I didn't faint but it kept happening I end up going home. I'm not sure what it is but I will get it checked out soon.
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Thank you for reading and as always stay safe and love you my children!
