Recovery

Blaming myself

     I blamed myself for everything. I blamed myself for why I got hurt. I used that blame to control my life and my decisions and what was go to happen to me in my future.  I never liked not knowing things, because I didn't want to get hurt again. So I hated surprises or anything that would bring attention to me, so I became a "back round character in my own life." G.J.  It was much more safe this way.

    I had to protect myself at all cost, because adults and family could not. I knew from a young age that I would have to do it. I found myself understanding adulthood stuff that I didn't want too. I just wanted to be a kid, an by the time I was given a "safety net"...I was told I needed to grow up and I wasn't a kid anymore. I didn't even know what being a kid was.... What had I missed... a lot more then I ever knew.

I didn't know how to grow. I was just stuck with the trauma and no real way to treat it. Taking about it with people who never could relate or even therapist who only were concerned with what my guardian wanted out of me. My guardian only care that I was submissive to her orders and didn't care about me only that I listened to her to befit her and only her. So she could feel better about herself no matter the cost of my emotional and mental health.

She may have given me food, clothes and a place to live to finish high school. But she never supported me or helped me grow in any way to further my future for the better. She damaged me more.... 8 years now and still trying to undo the damage she cause and brain washed me to believe. I have a wonderful person who has stuck by my side while I've been trying to fix myself. He's a saint in that way an he says he doesn't have the patience. I was blind to the harm she cause me to believe I was always the problem.... That I never deserved happiness or to be healthy. She rather pump me full of harmful meds that the doctor and therapist call for so I can submit to her instead.