Actor(Oshi no ko)

My mother's name is Ai?

It's hard to believe that three months have already passed since I discovered my siblings' true identities as reincarnators like me. 

Aqua decided to teach me Japanese, and he has been an amazing teacher, devoting his time to teaching me Japanese. I'm extremely grateful to him for his efforts, and although I'm still not proficient, I've made significant progress.

During our lessons, I learned some new information that took me by surprise. First, it's already 2016, which means three years have passed since I died in my past life. It's shocking how quickly time flies, and it's a surreal feeling to think about how much the world has changed since I was last alive.

But the best discovery for me was learning my mother's name. It's Ai. When I found out, I couldn't help but feel thankful, since it was awkward not knowing her name even after we spent months together. 

I also noticed that Ai is a part of my name, Aikara. When I asked Aqua about the meaning of our names, he told me that Ai means love, and Aikara means "from love." I find it incredibly sweet that my mother named me after such a beautiful sentiment. 

Also, It surprised me to learn that Ai is an idol. I know how cruel the entertainment industry is, and I'm sure she would be forced to retire if her fans know the fact she has kids, so it must mean that she is keeping our existence a secret from them.

On another note, lately, I've found myself warming up to her and seeing her as a mother figure. I do feel guilty about my previous mother, but I can't help what my heart desires. All I want is the love and warmth of a family.

However, even with my new family surrounding me, fear still grips my heart.

Even with the family I had in the past, I'm still greedy for love. And I'm still afraid that if I reveal my true self, they'll reject me and stop loving me. So, even though I've been reincarnated, I still put up a facade to protect myself.

It's not like I minded putting on a facade again; after all, I've been doing it for years. With time comes a sense of familiarity, and I've become so adept at wearing this twisted mask that I'll never be able to distinguish my true self from this persona.

Sometimes, I contemplate embarking on a journey to find my true self, but deep down, I know it's a fruitless pursuit. This facade has become so ingrained in my being that I know I'll never find it.

And even though I spoke about people accepting my true self in my final moments, those were just fleeting thoughts. I wasn't planning to follow through on them; they were just a "what-if" scenario.

But surprisingly, I don't feel sad about not knowing my true self. I willingly don this mask knowing that this may be my fate one day. And in a way, it's liberating to know that I can be whoever I want to be, even if it's not the real me

As I sat there, contemplating my existence, just as always when I get lost in my thoughts, I suddenly heard the sound of crying. 

"WAAA! WAAAHHHH!" It was piercing, and I knew exactly who it was - Ruby. Despite being a reincarnator like the rest of us, she continued to act like a helpless infant just to get the attention of Ai.

Unlike Aqua, who doesn't like the fact she acts to get Mom's attention, I don't mind it at all. In fact, if I were to dislike it, I would be a massive hypocrite since I act all the time. So as usual, I tuned out the noise and retreated back into my thoughts, pondering the big questions of who I am. 

I always did this even as a child. I know it's a strange habit, but it brought me a sense of comfort to delve deep into my own psyche, even if I never found the answers I was looking for. Perhaps it was the act of introspection itself that I found comforting, or maybe it was the possibility of discovering something new about myself that kept me coming back to these thoughts. Either way, I welcomed the opportunity to explore my own thoughts and emotions in this quiet moment.