Smile

Maybe This Time

What am I going to do? She's gone, forever. Nicole will never breath in the air of the day ever again. Not now not ever, I will never be able to tell my breath-taking sister that I love her ever again. This thought hit me hard as sat up in my bed of the newly empty home, feeling the silence capture me and not let me go. The silence was new to me, it was always so loud in our flat, so full of life.

I rubbed my eyes as I felt the dried tear stains stick to my cold waking skin. My body felt weak as I looked over to check what time of night it was. 2:35. I felt myself huff in frustration as I forced my body out of my warm bed. Half asleep, I wandered into her room.

For a moment, I forgot everything was wrong and messed up in so many ways to come. As I walked through her empty bedroom door, memories came spinning back towards me. Wrapping my bathrobe closer around my chilly body, I let the memories soak into my mind.

The first one was from just a couple of years ago, when she graduated from high school. The morning of her graduation all she did was chat about her school career, saying how she was so smart and perfect. Jokingly, I would roll my eyes at her and we would have a great laugh. When she stood there and accepted her diploma, I felt all the pride in the world for my innocent sister. She just looked like she won all of her life achievements, that was until she wasn't accepted. The one school she wanted to go to, she got declined and she had to find a job without a college education.

That was around the time my parents left us. I took in a deep sigh as I thought back to that, taking in a lot of my sister's favorite perfume that was still sticking in the air. Remembering my parent's departure was always painful for me, and Nicole, so we just never spoke of it, ever.

Maybe that's the reason I'm going crazy. I let out a bitter-sweet laugh. Was I really going crazy? I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up one day with my mind being totally lost in a different world, that no one could ever penetrate. I would be trapped, forever? Maybe forever, but at least I could let emotions loose without being judged as badly.

I made my way over to the full desk next my sister's bed, looking through the contents. She would hate me if she knew I was looking through her stuff, but I guess that will not make a difference now. I opened up the drawer and look through the miscellaneous items scattered along the interior of the desk. I found multiple expected items like hair clips, papers and a couple of books. Of course in the midst of those books was a copy of Les Miserables. I felt a lump form in my throat as I picked up the thick masterpiece.

There on the cover was young Cosette, looking quite hopeless, like me at this moment. I never actually read the book, and from the looks of it neither has Nicole. Flipping open the book, I could see a bookmark stuck in the first couple of pages, she was only on about page forty-eight. That was like her, to start something, love it and never finish it. That's how she was with all of her boyfriends, until the day she met Devin.

He was everything she needed comfort, devotion and love. They met at a bar, and she loved him so much from the first couple of words. She told me every moment they were together when she came home later that night. He didn't take her home and use her for one night, but they went to his house and talked and that's where she realized that this wasn't just a one night stand. They just talked, nothing else, but it was meaningful. He grew up without parents, so they could connect on so many levels. I remember her saying she wanted to marry him, and it was only a week into their wonderful romance. They were so full of love, that was until that fight, and he had the same fate as my sister.

I shuttered remembering his funeral and how gruesome his empty body looked. I only came to show my respects, even though he hurt the only person that meant anything to me. She still loved him though, even after the pain and suffering she went through the previous day. Maybe he knew about the cancer that killed her. Maybe that's why he hit her. I fumed at the thought of him hurting her, any form of pain conducted toward my sister made me feel helpless and in maybe about as much pain as she was in. I shut the book hard, not being able to stay in this room longer.