healing | drarry

twenty-one

~no pov

"I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about him and worrying about him and obsessing over him and it feels like sixth year all over again and I know I'm a horrible person for saying that because everyone thinks he's horrible but he's not and you have to trust me when I say that because he really isn't."

"I trust you, Harry. Why do you worry about him?"

"He's so different to how he was. He's not brash and bold and prideful anymore and he doesn't think the world of himself, and you can tell. It's like he lost a part of himself, and yes, maybe the old him wasn't perfect, but it was him and he's different now I can't stop wondering why."

"Trauma affects everyone differently, Harry. His might've made him mature, realise where he went wrong and change that."

"Yes, and nothing's wrong with that but it's not all perfect. I'm glad he's better and mature but he's hurting and I don't know why but I can't stop wanting to help him. I want him to tell me what's wrong and let me take care of him. I want him to want me."

"Do you love him?"

"No."

"Do you think you're falling in love with him?"

"I don't know. I think I've gotten attached to him."

"Tell me more about how you feel regarding him."

"What else can I say? I think about him constantly and wonder what he's hiding and I just want him to let me in. I want him to trust me, to talk to me, to let me be a part of his life. I want him to be around me constantly. I want him to tell me everything, all the good and all the bad, especially the bad, because it means I can look after him. Etheria, what's wrong with me?"

"You rarely had someone to take care of you, and you've been hurting a long time. You're deflecting, trying to channel that pain into taking care of someone else's. You're trying to help him the way no one helped you."

"And I hate that because he probably doesn't need help. He's a Malfoy. They don't do shit like that. They're strong and flawless and they don't rely on other people but I don't want him to do that. I want him to be weak around me so I can help him be strong but I don't even know if someone else is helping me or if he even needs help and now I'm just contradicting myself."

"You're spiralling, but it's not necessarily bad. I mean, the fact that you care so much for him despite your past is admirable. I'm not sure I would be able to do that. But you need to focus on yourself before you can help anyone else."

"But focussing on him would help me. I need someone to look after or something to do because I feel useless. I was once this Great Saviour and I never got a break and I've had a break for so long that I feel useless. I need something to focus on because isn't that all I was ever good for? Doing things for other people?"

"No, Harry. People used you to fight things that shouldn't have been your issue, and that isn't fair, but it doesn't mean you need to keep fighting. It's why you turned down being an Auror."

"But maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Maybe I should've kept fighting."

"But then you would've only fallen harder, and you would've found it much harder to get out of that state. You would've kept fighting and fighting and that would lead to you getting hurt, physically or mentally, and you would've broken down so much worse than you did seven years ago and it would've taken longer to recover. Harry, you're healing. I don't want you thinking this progress isn't actually progress."

"I know, I know. Okay, I get what you're saying, and it all makes sense, but what I'm feeling isn't making sense. How do I live like this? I feel purposeless."

"You don't need to fight or help to have a purpose. I know this sounds stupid, but, Harry, you need a hobby. You need something healthy to focus on before you spiral again. You said having a kid was helpful, so focus more on Teddy. Give him all your time and when you can't, focus on yourself, healthily. Don't let yourself get worse."

"Why can't I focus on Malfoy instead?"

"Because Malfoy isn't stable, to my knowledge. Focussing on someone who's unstable whilst you're also unstable will have bad repercussions. You'll think you're helping but there'll be a moment when you realise that his pain is going to become your own and all you'll do is hurt more."

"So I can't see him?"

"No, you can see him. I'm just saying, don't let yourself become overwhelmed by his own issues. Develop the bond you already have whilst you continue healing before you can help him too."

"That sounds so selfish."

"You've been incredibly selfless for far too long, Harry. You can let yourself be selfish now."

"But I hate being selfish. It seems so wrong to only think about myself."

"You aren't, though. You're thinking of Teddy, and Ron and Hermione."

"I take care of them and they take care of me. Can't I do that with Malfoy?"

"Do you think, and take some time to properly think before answering this, that you will be able to cope if you welcome Malfoy's issues onto your plate?"

"If I let him in and he does the same, and we heal together, like I did with Ron and Hermione, will that be okay? Do you think I'll be okay?"

"Do you?"

"I do."

"Then go ahead. I know I can't convince you to stop caring about Malfoy, so if we can make a plan to make sure you protect your own recovery whilst trying to help him, then I think that will help."

"Why didn't you just tell me I should trauma-bond with him and heal with him before I rambled for Godric-knows-how-long? You could've saved me the dry mouth I now realise I have."

"I have water. The world has water. It's a thing."

"Don't be sarcastic with me Etheria."

"I learnt from the best."

"I want to be mad at you."

"Be my guest."

"It's so hard being mad at you. Can I have that water now?"

"You have magic too."

"Shut up and give it to me."

"So polite."

"You know I love you."

"If you say so."

i dont know how therapy works

did etheria make sense cuz idk what i wrote

its 4am and i should sleep but ive written like four chapters in an hour and im proud