healing | drarry

twenty-two

i want slow burn but i cant tell if this is it

would it be bad for me to further their relationship now

you can tell me when this is published

when your opinion will not matter bc ive already written the whole book

if i finish this one

lets not give up on it like i did with imperfect jigsaw

update, i did not give up !!

~no pov

Draco was not doing okay, but he was okay with that. He was cutting more often and struggling with eating but it was okay because he had coffee and a son who needed him, so he wouldn't let it get as bad as it was before. Having Scorpius was grounding, and made him realise he wasn't the only person who he had to think about that.

He was both grateful and resentful that Scorpius was there, because he'd surely be dead without Scorpius. Some days he wishes he didn't have a son so he could free himself from his mental pain, but some days he appreciated that he was still here.

Living had to be one of his punishments for the war, he thought. If the Fallen got the peace that was death, even if it was unwanted, he would have to live. He was responsible for the deaths, so he had to feel the pain of living, for them.

In a bittersweet way, he lived for the Fallen.

And he lived for his son.

And he should be fucking grateful for that.

"Can I see Teddy?"

"Again?" Draco asked. "You saw him last week. And in school."

"I know, but in school we don't get to play with Lego and watch cartoons and talk about how Sally is rude and Luke is too loud and how Teddy has a crush-" Scorpius cut himself off. "You can't tell anyone that."

"Of course, Scorp." He mimicked locking his mouth and throwing the key away. "His secret's safe with me."

"Why don't they ever come over here? We only go to his."

That was a good question, to which Draco didn't have an answer. He came up with a simple one; his house was his safe space and having people in it would ruin that. No matter what, his house was always his safe space; safe to cry in, to break down in, to care for his son in, to make potions in. That was safety.

He didn't want to ruin that.

"Are you scared of people seeing our home? It's really nice, father. It's clean and spacious and very nice even though you don't work. I promise Teddy wouldn't judge. He's really nice like that."

"No, sweetie, I'm not scared." Yes you are. You don't want people in your safe space. "It's just that people coming to my home isn't what I'm used to, alright? We'll have someone over if you really want, okay?"

"No, father. I don't mind. I like Teddy's house anyway."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Now can we see him?"

"I have to see if Potter is free, okay? I'll let you know. Go do your reading homework."

Draco sighed. It had been a few days since he saw Potter, where he got panicky and bailed, and hadn't spoken to the brunet since. Maybe he wouldn't have to stay. He could go back home and build the new table he bought: black mahogany instead of glass, because he couldn't break glass when he had a child. It was unsafe.

That didn't work. The moment he came over, he was roped into cooking with Potter, and the vibe between them was as it had always been. Draco had been overthinking as always, and was relieved to know that he hadn't fucked things up.

All you did was go get your son. You just seemed like a responsible parent. Got all worked up for nothing, you insecure twat.

"Ron and Hermione might come over soon. I've mentioned our friendship and they're willing to be civil with you. Are you alright with that, or would you prefer to leave?" Harry asked whilst preparing the ingredients. 

Draco was planning to leave when the ignition was turned on anyways.

"Scorpius can stay, too, by the way. They'd love him."

Don't be a dick. Don't make it seem like you still hate them. Be civil.

"It's alright. I think apologies are long overdue anyway."

"You don't have to apologise."

Stop lying. I treated them both like shit and they deserve an apology- scratch that. They deserve a thousand and more. Don't pretend like I wasn't a raging asshole once upon a time.

"I do." He said coldly. "I'll pop out to buy them something, don't even disagree, it's polite. I'll be back after."

"Alright let's just finish this-"

"You know what, I'll go now. See you in a bit Potter."

More like see you in half an hour when the ignition is off and the curry has cooked and there's no more fire.

"Wait-"

He'd already left. 

Draco found himself panicking in the supermarket toilets, which were surprisingly clean. He forgot about his pristineness and sat down on the floor of a cubicle and willed his breath to come back. He wasn't ready to see two people who he'd hurt.

He needed to say sorry, to earn their forgiveness and prove he'd changed, but it felt to soon. He had seven years and it still felt too soon. He needed Potter to warn him a month or seven years beforehand so he could prepare himself.

He'd thought about seeing people from Hogwarts a thousand times, but that actually happening seemed bizarre. Now it was clearly not, and he had lost all rationality.

Should he just say hi and give gifts or immediately apologise? What the fuck was he supposed to say? Sorry for calling you slurs and insulting you and your husband over and over and watching my aunt torture you-

Stop. He had to stop. He couldn't panic for hours and bail on the Golden Trio. He had to get his shit together and act like a normal person who could apologise and make amends. He did it with Potter, he could surely do it with Granger and Weasley.

Okay. It's okay. Get up, buy flowers and chocolate and wine and maybe the whole store and go and apologise. It's not too hard.

Standing up was hard when his legs felt like jelly and he wanted the Earth to swallow him whole, but he did it.

Progress. Now wash your face and walk out of there. 

He got crazy deja vu when he stared into the mirror and washed his face. He almost expected Potter to appear behind him and suddenly he was clawing at the scars on his skin and-

Stop. Not the time. You know how to put on a mask, push your feelings aside and pretend. Do that.

And he listened to himself, the cold but rational side of himself. He pretended to be someone else, a puppet, and went to buy things. Maybe he overdid it, but that was the Malfoy way. Lush gifts and straightforward apologies, if you ever did apologise. Malfoys only apologised to get their way.

Fuck that.

He was going to spend money and be polite and kind and meaningful and he was going to do so with confidence. That was his Malfoy way. He'd do it perfectly even if it meant having a breakdown later on.