A Poetry Book: That will never be published

TW: Not Wanting to Exist - A Collection of Poems

April 27th 2022:

Today doesn't feel good
My cheeks are numb
I know who I am
And I know when i leave
And today
I am gone

October 9th 2022:

I want to die
Not in the literal sense
But I want out
To be somewhere else
To be someone else
To have something else
I want to die
Sometimes it seems like the only escape
I want to die
Simply because it feels like
The only way out
I want to die
Death feels easy
Calming
Cozy
Freeing
Finally free
I want to die
Im tired
But sleeping doesn't help
I want to die
I yearn for a break
Yet I am doing nothing
I want to die

October 28th 2022:

Drowning in the alley
Less travelled
Suffering alone
I think
In and out of waves
"Is life worth it anymore?"
Silence is my rebuttal
I take it as a no
I let the water take me
I beg for it to
Ego won't let me go
So I tread water
Hoping to hear
A voice needing saving
I find one
My needs are now
a dull roar
Just how I like them

November 4th 2022:

My thoughts don't matter
My wants aren't right
My needs aren't heard
Others wants are echoed
Others needs are heard
Oh to be loved like I love others

I want to die
But it doesn't really matter
Because its mine

December 2nd 2022:
I wish
I understood why
The demands
Feel endless
I'm a burden
I'm a burden
I'm a burden
I'm a burden
Why am I alive

He doesn't know what to do
When I become real
Will he leave this Time?

He asks me to explain
When I can't even to myself
He is upset
When I don't say
But how do I say
That nothing in particular is wrong
I just don't feel like being me today
Why is that so hard to understand
I feel overwhelmed with the nothingness
I am wound up over having nothing
Does that make sense?
No he says
Not at all
You asked how I felt
Not how
I should
Feel

I feel sad
Slow
Like I have a weight on my shoulders
And no instructions
I woke up with the weight
And have to figure out what it means
Just as you have to

December 14th 2022:
The mundanity
Of life
Is enough
To understand
Those who
want to
be dead

December 14th 2022:
The mornings aren't my friend
It means I must keep living

January 4th 2023:
Sometimes
I get the most compelling urge
To not be alive
I don't have a plan
I don't have a direction
I want to cease existing
It hurts too much
To be alive anymore
It's too much

Too much
Too much
Too much
Too much

I was too much
And somehow
Still never enough

January 16th 2023:
I'm sad
Nothing I choose to do
Is enough
Like everything about me is bad
I'm bad
Or am I sad
What am I feeling
Why can't I tell
I feel dread
Overwhelming dread
With my life

Bad

Like whatever I do
It's not enough
To satisfy this need
To be alive

January 24th 2023:
There's a lot of days I ask myself
What the point in living is

I haven't found one
I survive purely out of empathy
For those around me who would struggle with my absence
If it were up to me
I would be gone

It feels so calming to think
Everything I ever worried about
Could be melted by erasing my existence

It feels what happiness is
The light airy feeling
Of pure enthrallment