Barcelona Sun

decision

*Elena*

The weekend had been more than exhausting. Between constantly throwing up, taking care of my son, avoiding Sarah, and assuring the press over and over again that I was not Fernando's girlfriend, I had little time left to enjoy the race. A shame, considering how much I had always loved Formula 1.

But what had I expected? That the whole thing would go off completely calmly and Matteo and I could avoid all the problems? Certainly not.

What got to me, however, were Carlos's words.

He had asked for a chance. Had literally begged me. And what had happened so far?

Nothing at all.

Sarah hadn't left his box for the rest of the weekend and I had been very careful with Matteo where we went, because I didn't want to run into her again.

And as long as she was still part of Carlos's life, I didn't want to see him either. So I had been avoiding him for the rest of the weekend as well.

His words, however, resonated with me.

I had believed him when he had held me outside the cab and whispered all those words in my ear. About how he loved me and how we belonged to him.

I had believed him and had once again fallen flat on my face.

Whenever it was about Carlos, there seemed to be only this end for me, namely that I fell on my face. He meant so much to me, but it always hurt.

He would say one thing and then do another.

And so, after our flight back to Barcelona, I sat next to Matteo's bed, completely exhausted, after he had finally fallen asleep, and didn't really know where to put myself.

Carolina and Fernando had gone out. They used the two days Fernando was at home before they went on to Zandvoort, just as they should. Because even though I was infinitely grateful to both of them for letting me stay with them and supporting me in such a way, I still felt like an intruder again and again.

I knew it wasn't like that for them, but I was actually definitely old enough to live on my own. Even if I had a child and was pregnant.

There were thousands of women who could do it on their own.

I wasn't supposed to live with my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. It just felt wrong.

But on the other hand, it was absolutely the best thing for Matteo. This way he had both his dad and me around and he loved Carolina anyway. He grew up with as much love as I could wish for.

And yet I felt so out of place here.

I loved Fernando and Carolina and I knew they loved me just as much and yet I felt alone.

It was a strange feeling, hard to describe, but I felt like a fifth wheel. The one who just didn't belong.

I pushed myself up off the floor and walked over to my room to fall onto the bed. I was tired, but I couldn't turn my head off.

Because the lonelier I felt here, the more I wanted Carlos here. I wanted him to be with me because no matter how much he had hurt me and how much he was hurting me right now, I had fallen in love with him and that wasn't going away just like that.

Not by our fight. Not by him leaving me hanging again. Nor by the fact that Sarah was still with him.

I didn't know what it was that made him so attractive to me, but I wanted him, but knew it would only hurt me.

Over and over again.

What I didn't understand was why he had told me all those words then. I didn't understand why he gave me hope, begged for a second chance, and then never got back to me.