"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

Chapter 8 - "You are not allowed here, anymore."

"Cal, eat your food." I've heard my mother multiple times, yet I can't seem to concentrate on what I'm doing right now. I can't get what happened in the parish out of my head. I was left alone when he turned his back on me until Pam called my name. I went home, and he never saw me leave. We never discuss what happened, and I can't afford to reach out to him.

It's Sunday. Tonight will be our slumber party but it's too late for me to cancel. I wanna drink so badly. What we did, I did, was so wrong. He's a priest for Christ's sake. How could I let that happen? Everything happened at the speed of light. One moment, I was savoring the kiss, and then later after that moment was gone.

I brush the thought out of my head and continued eating my breakfast. Since today is Sunday, all the members of the family are here. After eating I took a bath and stayed in my room. I plugged my earphones and sunk my head on my bed and covered it with a pillow. Whatever I do, I can't forget everything. My conscience is killing me. I am a sinner, I know. But him? I do not know.

I'm still on my chains of thought, my phone suddenly vibrated. I opened it and almost exclaimed in joy and anxiety.

Can we talk after the mass?

I waited for this message to sound, and now here it is. I can't seem to respond to this. I'm not sure how I should respond to this. I'm offended that he walked away from me without saying anything. It's worse than a man being abandoned at the altar. I didn't want to appear desperate, so I ignored his message and sunk back into my bed. I hope I could just suffocate and die here.

Wishing for death made me fall asleep. When I woke up, it was already a quarter to six. I immediately run to the bathroom and took a quick bath. I'm almost late for the mass. Being late would cost me a hundred for a fine. It's like a religious kind of extortion.

I got to the church on time. The mass had just begun and there I saw him in the altar. While he was giving his homily, he gave me an intense gaze.

"LOVE IS EXCLUSIVE. True love, whether romantic or religious, can only have one lover. God is a jealous God who will not accept men who claim to love Him but yet worship other gods. This has been the conflict throughout Israel's history, and it remains so today. You cannot serve both God and money. God must be your first love, and nothing else, otherwise, you are not a true lover."

He was indirectly giving me his message. He is implying that above all, only God must be his first and last love, no one else.

"Lust is promiscuous, not exclusive. Love is a contained fire, but lust is an uncontrolled fire. When under control, fire is a wonderful force for good, but when it is not, it is a great force for destruction. Love and lust are not two distinct feelings, but rather the same emotion that can be controlled or uncontrolled."

He's communicating with me through God's words. Whatever it was that I felt, it was a mistake. Falling for a priest is the greatest sin. He is an army of God, only God alone. He is not mine. He will never be mine.

I rushed to the bathroom as soon as the mass ended and washed my face with the faucet. The freezing water drips down my face as warm tears fall. My knees became weaker, and I almost toppled to the floor. I sat down on a toilet and continue letting my tears dry. I think this hurts me more than it hurts him.

"What is wrong with me?" I asked myself when I can't contain myself from tearing up. My eyes are bursting with profuse tears. I bit my lips and covered my mouth to avoid making a sound. With my covered mouth and stifled sobs, I can't breathe properly. I stayed there for almost an hour before going out.

When I open the door, Father Moia's face swung in front of me. He has that blank expression again as he stares at me with his hands in his pockets. He dragged me gently and walked through the dim halls of the parish hall.

"Where are we going?" I asked him while my tears are still streaming. The more we walked down the route, the more familiar it became. I recognized it was the rear entryway into his office. I tried to keep myself calm and silent. When we got to his office, he turned to take his hands off mine and slammed the door.

I stayed still and we just stared into each other's eyes, nobody said anything. The silence between us started to give me chills. His face looks like he didn't have enough sleep from the past few nights. Maybe because his conscience is eating him. That night may have bothered him far more than it did me. If he didn't walk away, we could've talked about it. None of us should be feeling this way right now.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to leave you there." He said, breaking the silence.

"I was afraid. I am His servant, Cal. I took an oath. I offered myself to Him and yet here you are making me question everything I believed in." He sat on a chair while running his fingertips through his hair. He's obviously frustrated but I'm not sure if it's because of me.

"I don't quite understand why I am feeling this way. I think I'm falling for you, Calliope. But this is wrong." My tears were going out of control again, but I suppressed them. I can't cry in this man's presence.

"I feel the same way about you. I don't understand any of this but I know this is wrong. I can't help myself from feeling all these emotions. I am a sinner, Father. I accept God as my savior but I am not a saint. I am a human who can't control myself."

"I am not a saint, too. And I can't control myself. I don't know how to deal with this. Please don't come here anymore, Cal." Dazzled by his statement, I remained calm and hid my anger and disappointment.

"You are not allowed here, anymore." He abruptly turned his back on me, and I was left there without the chance to say anything.

I went home wondering why he is taking it all out on me. Why am I being prohibited to go to church? And why am I following him? He seems to take everything I do for granted. Perhaps it's because I'm young and naive. I know nothing about the world, let alone about love.

That same night, I burst into tears in my room till I fall into a deep sleep and forgot all the plans I had with Aia.