You Are Home [Hwang2Shin]

CH. 9

Ryujin's POV

It was your idea to become a foster parent.

You'd made the decision a while ago -- long before parenthood was even within the realm of possibility.

You can remember the moment you told Yeji so clearly.

Rain had just started slanting against the window next to the bed in the cramped studio apartment you and Yeji lived in right after college. You shifted on the mattress and she made a whining kind of yawn, like she was anticipating you'd tell her it was finally time to drag yourselves out of bed and get a start on the weekend.

Instead, you laughed and snuggled in closer, draping your arm across her bare waist and nuzzling against the side of her neck. "I've decided something," you said. "I've been thinking about it for a while." Yeji whines again and you can just imagine her pout as she wraps her arms around you, holding you close. "But it's rainy and chilly outside, Ryu. Our bed, meanwhile, is all cozy and warm. Plus, I'm here." You scoff and roll your eyes, even though she can't see you, and you can feel her laugh as it rumbles through her ribcage.

"That wasn't the thing I decided," you say, smiling in spite of yourself. "I know." Yeji cups your face and leans back just enough to meet your eyes. Her lips are still swollen from last night and there are creases from the pillow on her cheek and you almost forget what you were about to tell her.

"What'd you decide?" she asks. "I want to become a foster mother one day. It will be hard -- because I didn't have many great mother figures to look up to, growing up -- but I think I owe it to give back. To be there for a child the way Rose was there for me."

No one knows more about your past than Yeji -- not even Beomgyu -- so there's no one else in this world you could've explained your choice to this succinctly. She knows that you grew up in care, moving from shitty home to shitty home until you wound up with Rose, who turned out to be warm and kind once you cracked through her tough shell.

Yeji knows that you think you found Rose too late -- that you'd already irrevocably hardened something deep inside of you by the time the social worker's car pulled up to Rose's apartment building just before your fifteenth birthday.

She knows you think Beomgyu was lucky to have been placed with Rose when he was still growing; that you're a bit jealous of his softness. (You know Yeji doesn't believe that you're hard or cold or any of the other words other people have called you over the years, and, sometimes -- just sometimes -- you believe her. But what she doesn't know is that she's the one who thawed the ice block in your chest, that your insides would still be frozen stiff if not for the persistent warmth of her love.)

"That's great, Ryujin." She smiles at you before pulling you in for a bear hug, tight and stifling, but in a good way. You can almost feel her smile against your cheek. "We'll be the best moms." Her response makes you stiffen -- you weren't expecting it -- and then Yeji's pulling away, looking at you like she's trying to keep a furrow from her brow.

Of course, when you thought about being a foster parent Yeji was there beside you. But you made this decision logically and you made it for yourself alone. It's a big thing, and you weren't asking anything of her. "Or, I mean..." she stammers and your heart clenches, because Yeji is so rarely unsure of herself.

But the blip in her confidence is gone in a flash and she smiles again. "You'll be a great mom, Ryu. In fact, I'm willing to wager you'll be the absolute best."

You curl your hand around her neck, pulling her in until your noses touch. "I liked we better."

There was little you could control, growing up, and you think that's why you like tattoos so much. They're neat, orderly, and permanent -- three things your life was often lacking. There's a few jagged lines traveling down your left ribs surrounded by a cluster of circles, one for each foster sibling you loved and lost along the way, to the system or to something worse.