klars oneshots

ur mom

warning: homophobia and use of the f slur

also this does not reflect my view on the lgbtq+ community, i support the community and am a member of it.

Lars' pov

Dave, alcohol, and a gay couple is not a good mix.

I don't even remember why we were drinking with Dave. I mean, would you remember much if a super-drunk-6-feet-tall-alcoholic sucker-punched you in the head, full force?

It was probably because Ash is still cool with him. She's not like best friends with him or anything, but they still talk and they hang out sometimes. She teases the fuck out of him constantly, it's really a miracle they're still friends. But still, why were Dave and Kirk even within 12 miles of each other? How did we get there?

Dave fucking hates Kirk. I guess Kirk got his job and everything, but it's not Kirk's fault. Dave's just a fucking idiot who can't get over a stupid fucking grudge.

I guess I won't be able to either now, considering the fact that he beat me and my boyfriend up.

God, I don't even know how him and Ash are still friends. They fight constantly. Every other day, she'll tell us about all the shit Dave's done that pissed her off.

But thank the heavenly lord jesus it's not as bad as her and Axl.

Ash and Axl are practically siblings, but I've never seen two people fight so much. In fact, I've only every heard them complain about each other.

But when they fight, it's fucking brutal, dude. One minute they're getting along fine, and then 30 seconds later they're screaming bloody fucking murder at each other. They never really get physical, (Axl is way too scared of Ash to even consider throwing a punch in her direction) but it's pretty agressive.

Last week, it was something Axl said about Steven and Duff. She called James crying in her car, telling him (unintelligibly) about how big of a bitch Axl was (hence her loving nickname for him, Bitchface) and how he was so rude to his bandmates and that without them he'd just be a wailing raccoon with rabies, without a career.

I'm pretty sure he said something like Duff was only an okay bassist and that Steven was a pimp. I can't remember if he said anything about Izzy or Slash, either, but all I know is Ash would take a bullet for any of those guys.

Ash hates when I say mean things about Axl, but the truth is, he really is an asshole. Well, I guess it's complicated, because I really do like the guy, he just doesn't know when to quit or how to take a joke. Don't get me wrong, he's got a great personality and sense of humor, and he's super nice to us, but sometimes I wish he would just get off of Ash's (hypothetical) dick. I guess she could give him a break, too, but I'd honestly pick her side over Axl's. Ash is way more rational (in most cases), like she wouldn't fight someone just to fight someone, she'd need a pretty good reason.

And now she's got a pretty good reason to beat the shit out of Dave, I guess. Don't ask me how a 5'4 girl can make a 6' dude like Dave go cry for his mommy, but she can. 

Anyways, me, Kirk, James, Ash, and Dave all went drinking last night at a bar. Ash ended up leaving early to drive home James, who had managed to throw up three over the course of 3 hours and still keep drinking. So, it was just me, Kirk, and Dave. We were standing outside of the bar, since the inside was pretty crowded.

Naturally, Dave was drunk out of his mind. Kirk was pretty drunk too, and so was I, but I still felt like I could function. And as me and Kirk do when we're drunk, we were being really touchy and clingy.