Walking Through Hell

Journal Entry #53 (Its Better This Way)

    It's super shitty when you're sick out of your mind with a fever, missing everyone you love, depression knocking at your door, fear whispering in your ear and your so called friend no where to be found. Yet you know life is life so most of the time you go through things alone. So you spend an hour writing down all the reasons you love your friends. Every beautiful and lovely and precious thing. Encouraging yourself with your own love. Then turn around to get slapped in the face by that person. The slap still stinging, burning your heart and watering your eyes you defend yourself blindly. You couldn't have possibly gotten hit by a friend. Only to learn it was them. And once you've defended yourself and the fight seems over you find yourself alone. They left when you defended yourself. You didn't even fight back you only pulled your walls back out to not get hurt. So your left alone. So confused and hurt. The slap still tender. The surprise still thumping in your ears. You sigh and walk away. The walls are back up. And you remind yourself they have to stay up. The walls are not to come down. That's what the door is for. So you might let people in yet have a way to usher them out before anyone does damage. You've went from a hospital to a museum. No longer a refuge, you can't handle the trauma of loving a broken person till they are healed and watching them leave. So from now on you let them in from 9am - 5pm, Monday through Friday, looking only, glass and alarms around anything important.

This is your only home,
you don't know
if you'll get another chance
to keep it if it breaks once more.
so this is the only way
to keep it safe.
It's not fun.
It's not the option you want.
But it's the only one you get.
The walls stay up.
It's better this way,
you remind yourself
as you encase the lever
surround it with alarms.
The walls stay up.
That's what the door is for.
The walls stay up.
This is a lucky second chance.
The walls stay up.
It's safer this way.
The walls stay up.
You make it out alive this way.
I know you get tired of holding up the walls.
But this is how I keep you safe.
The walls stay up. It's better this way.