The cold plastic on the bathroom floor reflected the same feeling of my naked flesh that lay up on it, but for one i was not scared. I stilled my body, willing for my sorowsum end to concur me, giving my soul it's final wish. My breathing had become shallow, but i now had no worries the marks on my body, the pain captured in my eye's...the secrets that lay behind them all dissolved as i gave in to my own mortality. The blood from my open wrists elegantly danced, pouring over the hard ground. I watched it, as it outlined my body, staining it with it deep red vivid gloss. But i still cared little for the way it soiled my skin. The marking didn't matter anymore. I gazed down at my outstretched arm that still clutched the blade in its tightly constricted hand as the blood flowing began to slow and i became weak. I took into consideration the pailness of my limp body and smiled briefly at its uniqueness. My black locks cascade down the side of my neck, swimming in the pool of blood that begins to drown them. The bright array of colour the splashed in different segments was a pleasant contrast the the monotone of liflesness that i had become as i awaited my fait. I sighed, wanted to be taken now, unwilling to spend a second longer in the cage of a life i now had...to be free was my greatest desire. Time began to slow as i felt myself become a separate entity from the rest of the world so began to feel content.
Who ever says that your life flashes before your eye's in those last few second where correct, and it placed things in perspective. I wallowed in memories. My last birthday, surrounded by people i loved, and friends. My first day at comprehensive school, scared and alone...just like i am now, but i made friends and spoke to new people, that was still a possibility for my life now. My thoughts turned to my mother, infantile memories that i thought i had forgotten, her cradling me in her arms and caring for me. If i wasn't here, who would now take care of her? The move and drastic alter to life had also been the same for her, but i was blinded by self pity to empathise with her! She had left her friends and a the support we had created for ourselves after dad left and i had destroyed everything. I now realise how selfish my actions had been as i longed to rewined me actions. Luke wasn't going to win me yet, not without a fight! I was determined to retrieve a little bit of me, pick up one of the shattered and broken pieces that had once made up me. Yes, i was scared, things where going to be hard and i had to restart, but i wasn't going to be stripped of a future, especially not by my own stupidity. Not every thing was i sure of, but one thing i did know is that...i didn't want to die!
I gasped for air, trying desperately to cling to the little life i had left, i tried to move but my muscles twitched uselessly inside my body. My attempts where in vain as i lay paralysed once again. My life was ending. I had gone through so much and had even managed to escape from Luke! But this is how it would end for me. Tears burnt my face and they fell freely from my closing eye's before mixing in with the pit of blood below, i hummed softly to my self in an attempt to sooth my woe, timing my notes over the steady beat of the clock that situated it ticking mechanism on the corner shelf, 2:57am the hands pointed, ticking my reluctant death. I kidded myself as to hearing noises downstairs, hope that Larry may rescue me like before. Some body...any body. Tick tock spoke the mocking clock again as my eyes shut for the last time.
***
Or so i thought. I was greeted by my mothers eye's drilling into my own. "i said ring me if you had any problems summer, call!" is all the said before collapsing onto the bed onto of me and weeping aloud. This caused a reaction to take place of my own and i too began to cry, a mixture of happiness and guilt expressed by my tears. We stay like it for some time before any one speaks "im sorry mum" i say gently into her ear as her eyes then once again fix onto mine. Understanding flashed within her green watery pools and i knew she understood everything that came with the apology. The doctor entered interesting our gaze as the made my mother leave the room to "talk with me" it had little impact, i was so used to hearing their over used dialog that i had began to learn it like a script. I expressed my feelings towards them and explained exactly why i had bees drive to such dramatic...but they didn't understand, know one ever did. Instead the prescribed me a heap of antidepresants and discharged me. Telling me i was too book an appointment with a psychologist to monitor me, i protested at first but after speaking with my mum i reluctantly agreed. I was so grateful for my restart at life, third time lucky my mum kept joking in an attempt to lighten the seriousness of the situation, i smiled as i thought about when she said it. I was waiting for he to collect me and i sat egaly but still afraid of the life that lay ahead. I began to scratch nervously at my jeans, cursing under my breath as i noticed the dye it left under my finger nails making them.look unclean. I liftedy hands and began to study the fresh white bandages that coiled around my wrists and became concerned about the mess they hid away... Just another scar, i brushed the thought of, just another memory to add to my story. My mum entered at this point, and she looked at me with pitty glazing her eye's but said nothing. "can we talk?" she asked, not waiting for an answer before she carried on speaking. "i have had a talk to the doctor and he advised you need time to recover from every thing, we moved too fast and im sorry summer" she paused before caring on "so, how about going away for awhile? Your cousin is hiring a caravan for 3 weeks with a few friends. Please go sum...for me?" i could sense the despair in her voice and icouldknew she was only trying to help, but i want sure i was ready. A gazed around the room in the hope to find something to help me make my choice before i returned to my mothers pleading eye's. "for you" i responded not managing to convince my self it was for the best. But the smile it gave her was worth it.
