I didn't like him as anything more then a friend...did I? I mean, he was good looking but lots of people are. He had charm, charisma and and old fashioned era about him that was irresistible. He wasn't like the others, and best of all he shared no characteristics with Luke! Ok, so maybe i was crushing on him a little...but that was normal, he was nice and made me feel safe...he mad me smile and blush with his kind words and compliments, best of all he was oblivious to his attractiveness and his praise was genuine, not knowing the effect he had on me. But there was still no trust, however hard i tried i could not will away my reality...i was scared of connection, scared i would become a burden, scared of me!
I had made plan's with Jason for the day, he had suggested some "retail therapy" and try as i may i couldn't see the appeal. Several hours rushing around shops and moaning at the extortion of the price and leaving deflated not getting what you came for but still manage to have spent way over your budget...no, i was far from the girly stereotype and prefer the comfort of baggy clothes. Hiding the insecurity of my body from peoples judgmental eye. It was early, far too early as i attempted to tip toe round a sleepy Sam to collect my clothes so i could change without been seen in the bathroom. Challenge complete i hurried out quickly pulling on my top and bottoms and absentmindedly brushed a comb through my long black hair before noticing how shabby it looked. The bright colours i was so used to seeing had grown out and faded. Others had been permanently dyed by the blood making me think back to subdued memories i wish where faded parts if my imagination. There was no time to dwell now, i was already running late and the taxi outside was already blasting its horn loudly makingme jump from my thoughts. I grabbed my purse, slipped in to my shoes that clashed with my outfit but i hadn't the time. I preceded to shut the glass door quietly feeling jealous if the boys who lay wrapped in the warmth of their bed sound asleep. I clambered in to the back of the taxi where Jason was waiting as it sped away to our journey to town.
Fortunately the car travel was short and i was thankful as the hunger in my stomach was making it's self know causing the clostraphobial environment of the car to make me feel over heated and sick. We both stepped out and Jason paid our fair, i attempted to give him half but he refused. I had received a large sum of compensation money and i was determined to spend it as soon as i could. The money was unclean...guilt money, no redemption for what i suffered just an attempt to silence me. The bank notes made my purse feel heavy with their unclean and unwelcome presence and i wanted rid...maybe a shopping spree was a good solution? The day was humid and it didn't mix well with the apprehension i was already feeling. "step up against that wall and let me see what i am working with here" he order. Confused, i did what he said, still scared to protest against anybody fearing the consequence. "something needs tobe done with that hair lady...and those clothes." He paused and raised his hand to his temple in contemplation "makover!" he screamed too energetic making passes by look over in a puzzled expression as i avoided their look. "oh Jason, i don't want to go over the top, just a few new clothes is all i..." i was cut off my his interrupting voice as he clasped my hand not wanting to hear what i had to say. "come on summer...don't you want to impress Sam?" he said teasingly and the answer was given away by the rosiness that inflamed my face. He laugh at me "cute" he mumbled before dragging me of to an unknown place that would predictable make me feel uncomfortable and out of place.
I was correct...Jason walked in to a very "up market" looking hair dresses with a price tag to much! I hated confrontation and having to sit with a complete stranger making idle and pointless chit chat while they hacked at my hair was not regarded highly on my mental fun scale. Jason walked to the desk, the place felt deserted but i suppose it was early, after minor communication he returned with a smile and ushered me in to a seat. The cold plastic leather look material that covered it was unpleasant in my skin and i moved around trying to identify the most comfortable spot. A young female walked briskly over to me, an impatient look lingered in he pale blue eye's. "so what can i do for you?" she asked throwing a painfully looking fake smile in the mirror so i could see it. I inhaled ready to speak and realise my voice wasn't my own. "well i was thinking take a little of the length and thin it out. Get rid of the dullness and add some life hun!" Jason spoke not allowing me to express my own wishes. I stayed silent trying to avoid speaking to the women at all cost. She placed her hands on my head and her unfamiliar touch made me week with unease but i persisted. I noted the faultfinding glint in her eye's and wished ti be invisible. Picking up the scissors in a quick scooping action i scurry out of the chair frightened at her possible intentions. She regarded me in a critical gaze as i sat back down ashamed of me fear that highlighted my fight to trust again. I attempted to ignore my surrounding and hoped the ordeal would pass soon. I was in there over an hour while she battled with my locksbut showed little care or respect for me. Not that i was expecting her to . My odd manner and unique appearance would put any body off treating me like a "normal" member of society. £30 lighter we left and headed for our next port of call...shopping, although i was pleasant surprises at the over all out come of my hair i was not looking forwards to this event. I relied in comfort not looks and had a very open and mixed view on clothes. Slightly gothic with a vintage twist, unusual maybe but it was what i liked andno matter how many times i told Jason he did not seem to understand. "black is not summary" he protested when i picked up an item of clothing i could tolerate. I sighed and placed it back on the rail. "Come one, i know just the place for you" he said anticipation evident as he spoke. I internally groaned as he dragged me to yet another clothes shop! He open the left side of the double door and a fragment musky sent floated out. We stepped in and clothes heaven greeted me. After about six hours i had finally found some where that did my style. We looked at the clothes and Jason placed a mound he regarded suitable in my hand for me to try on.
I entered the mirrored changing cubicle with a heap of clothes that i set aside on the stool that stood in the corner and began to undress. The small room was lined with tile mirrors making a suitable position to focus on and not see my disgusting body impossible. I moved quick, eye's squinting in an attempt to see as little image glimps of my body as possible until it was covered by some thing. I continued this with every item until removing the last to replace it with my old clothes. I stood there in my underwear trying to turn my shirt the right was round. The sound of the plastic rings moving along the metal pole made my attentions focus elsewhere. "lets have a look sum" Jason's head appeared round and he gaze caused an instant reflex reaction, covering my body by any means. "relax babe im gay" he said like his presence ment nothing. I stood unmoving until he went away. I was shamed that he had seen me but it was soon replaced by a pit of anger. I was attempting to get my confidence back yet here i was reluctant to even let a friend see me. I contemplated the idea before calling Jason back and letting him see what clothing looked the best...it wasn't so bad. I hid what i could but knew he wasn't judging my body. Contented with the small step i had over come we made our way back home.
We arrived back at the caravan, the heat was noticeably present in the atmosphere. I entered the room and called out to the boys to determine there where abouts but i wasn't met with a response. I stepped further in and a lazily written note caught my eye on the table. It read "gone to the beach, see you there. George xoox" i showed it to Jason "perfect, we can make you look irresistible for Sam" he said that same teasing tone clearly once again"oh Jason, i really dont think we need" again i was cut off as he forced me to sit down on a chair "markup" he announces talking to himself before going to rout around in his suit case that was left in the kitchen even though we had been here nearly a week. I didn't object, an element with in me secretly wanted to impress Sam. It didn't take long, he was quick to complete his task and with in half an hour my hair and markup was done and i was wearing a floaty lace dress that he had selected. "Masterpiece" he said dramatically making me laugh at his antics. I was ready, Jason decided he was going to stay at home to talk to his boyfriend. So i would be going it alone. "knock em' dead tiger" he said winking at me before i excited.
The summer heat pricked my skin but it had changed from the suffocating curse it once was. Instead it possessed the same light feeling that was humming in my heart. A wonderful feeling was happening within me. I chemical reaction happen in me at the thought of Sam's presence. A flurry of butterflies seemed to be free with in my stomach. Their wings contacting with my body tickling me with joy. I felt dizzy like shooting star's danced around me and there was some thing replaced with in me that had been missing. I made my way down the slope to the dying sun lit beach.
Then a saw Sam...
*/* hope you like this chapter :) i know its abit random but i want you to see how little element have been effected in summers life too as well as her recovery to healing. So, the song for this chapter is recovery by natash bedingfield. Thank you for reading :) and an apology in advance, i feel the next chapter my be small so sorry about that. *\*
