Grow Up!

Were You Ever Lost?

"I don't like myself." 

"Where's this coming from?" Jamie questioned.

At this moment, this night, it was only Jamie and Morgan who were sitting together outside. Tonight Tyler could not join them. He had found himself in trouble due to inappropriate content  he had stashed away in his room that was found by his father. Only a week he said. A week too long in Morgan's opinion. As for Jamie, he felt indifferent for it was not the first time this has happened. He believes that Tyler should figure to stop hiding away that kind of stuff in his room to prevent situations like this but it is not like he could scold him now anyway. Right now, he had to worry about what was affecting Morgan. 

"It's just one of those nights. I'm sorry." Morgan answered, looking up at the sky. 

"You don't have to apologize." 

"I know, but I'm still sorry." 

Jamie looked up at the sky, too. It was nice to feel the cool breeze of the night touch his skin as he looked at the stars. Somehow the view managed to remain fascinating despite the amount of times he's looked at that pool of darkness that was freckled by the twinkles of what looked like small orbs. 

"I can't wait to die. I'm sorry, again. But, I really can't wait." 

"Just want to skip to Heaven already?" 

"No, not Heaven. Not Heaven, not Hell. I want to go there." Morgan pointed upwards. "I want to go there, I need to go there." 

"Why there?" 

"Because," Morgan sighed. "I bet the view is pretty up there. And, peaceful." 

"I guess so."  Jamie rubbed his neck. "It would be nice to see you in Heaven, though."

"So, you guys drove around a lot?" Aiden smiled. 

Tyler waved his hand, "Not exactly. Jamie was the driver." It took a few years for Morgan and Tyler to get their licenses so they had to rely on Jamie to take them places. Morgan thanked God for Jamie being a good kid so he never got himself into any trouble that would cause them to cancel any plans. 

Aiden smiled at his boyfriend and all Jamie could do was smile back. "It would've been nice if we had other places to go but out there in those woods was the most private. Just us kids and other kids. No adults to watch us." Jamie added, not breaking eye contact with Aiden who reached over and held his hand.

That really was the best part of being in the woods. Back in highschool a lot of fights took place there. Since there were no adults, that meant anything could go and for however long they wanted. Jamie could recall a fight that happened back in sophomore year of highschool. Kaiden Hartley, fourteen years old and managed to find himself in some trouble for his sensitivity. A sweet boy but not sweet enough to convince Riley Milton to back off.

The fight started because during P.E. they got to choose whichever equipment they wished to play with. The game Riley and his friends wanted to do was kickball. Kickball, similar to baseball except you mostly used your legs, was Riley's favorite but he wanted more players and somehow Kaiden found his way into their game. It must have not bothered Riley at first until it was Kaiden's turn. Nobody really knows why or how but Kaiden was on the ground. One "it barely touched him" here and a "he's faking it" there. Regardless of the protests, kickball managed to get banned from the highschool. This news sent Riley into a rage, at least it properly did once he found Kaiden out there with the kids after school.

Kaiden was on the ground and Riley's fists were bloody. At first people were excited to witness another fight but it became quiet when they noticed that Kaiden's face was beginning to look red. It was no longer entertaining and Riley's two friends, Duncan Werner and Malcolm Quinn, for once had to step in and stop Riley from fighting. It was a terrifying sight to see. Jamie didn't get a good look at his face but he knew it was bad. After Riley was pulled, everyone scattered except a few who helped Kaiden get home.

"Do you remember the things that went down out there?" Morgan chimed in. "I swore people almost died from fighting."

"From fighting?" Aiden had a disgusted look on his face. Jamie felt guilt rise in his chest when Aiden loosened his grip on his hand. "Did you get into fights, Jamie?"

"No, never. I didn't. I've only ever seen them."

"Did you guys ever step in?"

The boys all looked guilty. Despite their confidence today, back then they were really lacking. Jamie, a closeted gay man at the time, didn't want to get on bad terms with those kids. It's best to stay out of it unless you wanted to get hurt. And, Morgan, a closeted transman at the time, didn't want that either. Tyler however was just weird and not many people wanted to be around him—weirdness could easily get you bullied then. Does it now?

"You guys." Aiden had disappointment in his voice. "That's fucked."

"I know. I regret it." Jamie tried to hold Aiden's hand again and while he didn't exactly pull away, Jamie could tell by just physical touch that Aiden wasn't going to reciprocate. This left Jamie's arms with an old feeling, it wasn't pleasant and it made him feel more guilty.

Tyler cleared his throat then coughed as he tried to change the subject, "Hey so since you three are crashing. I should probably go find some blankets and stuff. One of my sofas actually has a pull out bed."

Morgan scoffed at this news as he watched Tyler get up and leave. It would have been nice to know the first night.

The bed creaked as Jamie laid back onto it. It was firm but comfortable, or being inside of Tyler's home is what made it comfortable. Aiden already was curled up under his blanket, sound asleep. He look so inviting from how cozy he looked laying there. Jamie just wanted to wrap his arm around him and sleep. However, he couldn't do that. His mind was full of thoughts.

Jamie looked to his right where Morgan is. After losing his spot on the couch to the happy couple, he was left on the recliner. At this moment, Morgan was leaned back with a blanket up to his neck. His head faced the dark corner of the room.

"Morgan?" Jamie whispered.

"Yes?" Morgan called back, still facing away from him.

"I thought you were sleeping."

"I thought the same."

Jamie smiled. He could always count on Morgan to be awake at the same time as him during the night. The two just seemed to never have figured out how to fix their sleeping problem.

"Can I talk to you?" The bed creaked once more when Jamie tried to scooch closer to the edge.

"Always."

"This... Is so weird, isn't it? We're adults but being here with you guys... I feel so much younger, like a teen again. Do you remember those nights? Out there, I mean?"

Morgan finally looked at Jamie. He couldn't see it clearly but he knew he had been crying when he answered: "I do."

"Can I ask you something?"

"I will always answer, Jamie."

"Do you still want to go up there?"

"With the stars? Yes, I think it would be beautiful."

Jamie was happy to know that Morgan had not changed. It was nostalgic to have a conversation like this again after so many years. Then, he heard a sniff.

"I think we should do something fun together soon. All of us. Maybe we can even smoke together."

Morgan wiped his eyes with his knuckle, "You still smoke? I thought you would grow out of that."

"No, never ever. Unless it would become a problem for Aiden then, and only then, I would stop."

"I'm really happy for you, y'know. You finally found your guy. I hope I'll find mine one day. I think I'll be fifty by the time I do."

"I actually think you'll find someone sooner than that, Morgan."

"We'll see."

The recliner bounced when Morgan shifted his whole body onto his side. This meant that this conversation was ending. Late talks like these made Jamie tired, too.

"Goodnight, I love you."

"I love you, too. G'night."