Fem

Part 9

I'd never thought much about how I walked. Walking was something I did to get places. I didn't know anyone was paying attention. Did my hips really swing like that? Were my wrists that limp?

I practised walking in front of the mirror. I tried Rambo. I tried Magnum PI. It didn't fit. What was normal for them made me feel like I was in a suit of armour.

*

The bottom drawer of my parents' dresser is for my dad's socks. The socks aren't even paired. They're just thrown in there. At the back of the drawer is a box of condoms. I check every so often to see if the number of condoms goes down. Sometimes it does. I took one. He'll never notice. He doesn't notice things like I notice things.

*

Mr. Stalker said there used to be millions of buffalo around. He said a hundred years ago, right where the school stood, would have been herds of buffalo grazing. He said when the buffalo died out, so did the Indians.

Except they didn't die out. There were six Indian kids in class, including the new girl from the reserve near Duck Lake. They were all sitting perfectly still while Mr. Stalker was talking about buffalo. They were waiting for him to finish so they could breathe again.

*

The time between dinner and when it gets dark on Halloween feels like forever. My mom says thirteen is way too old to be trick-or-treating. She's right but I promised her this is the last year.

As soon as it got dark, I met Jeremy, Wayne, and Chad in front of the Mohawk. We each had two pillowcases (in case one ripped). Chad was dressed as Gretzky. Wayne was an army guy. Jeremy was a hobo with blacked out teeth and a bundle tied to a stick. I wanted to be Boy George but I wasn't Boy George. I had this great rubber Ronald Reagan mask so I was Ronald Reagan. Our costumes were pretty bad because it was very cold. We had to wear big coats and gloves. But looking good didn't matter much. We were in it for the candy.

We agreed not to go home until we each filled a pillowcase. It took three hours. One house was giving out bags of chips, so we kept going back until they told us to get lost. Some jerk was giving out toothbrushes. He was all happy about it. We pushed them as far as possible up the tailpipe of his car. The Old Lady on the Corner was giving out gingersnap cookies straight out of the box. She dropped a single cookie into my bag and it immediately turned to crumbs. She was at least 80, but she hadn't figured out how Halloween works.

We were just about to go home and a car of high school guys pulled up alongside us. They pelted us with eggs. We ran and ran. The car sped off, making that cool burned rubber smell.

It was great, we were scared and buzzing and checking each other for raw egg. I forgot about myself. I forgot about the rules. Gosh, I said, one whizzed right past my ear!

I caught myself too late. Chad looked over at me, disgusted. More than disgust. Rage or maybe hate, I couldn't tell.

He said, Marty, what did you say?

I said, One went right by my ear.

My voice was small.

You didn't say that, said Chad. You said, Gosh, one whizzed right past my ear!

Except he didn't say whizzed. He made it all lispy and faggy. He said whithhhhed. Chad made his wrists go limp and kept saying all breathy and girly, Gosh it whithhhhed right past my ear.

I went home. I was kicking myself about how I lost control. The fun made me forget how to hold my body right. I forgot how bad it is to use words like gosh and whiz. I forgot to clamp down. I rose up too fast in myself.