Fem

Part 23

We watched a movie at Wayne's called Tit for Tat. It featured boobs.

*

My dad is cooking dinner Monday to Friday to give my mom more study time.

Burgers are hard as hockey pucks. Mashed potatoes are somehow both watery and lumpy. Salads taste more brown than green.

My mom pretends everything is normal. She eats whatever is put in front of her. I do too. We choke it back. It's easier for Katherine. She wasn't eating before and she's not eating now. She just continues to stare at the plate.

If the point of my dad cooking is to show that men can be decent of women's work, it failed. If the point was to help my mom and dad get along better, that failed too. They glared daggers at each other over the blackened Shake N' Bake.

*

Ms. Holmes says we can ask her anything in sex ed class, but she doesn't mean it.

Like, how much semen will come out of me if I live to be hundred? Would it be enough to fill an aquarium?

If I asked that in class, she'd make me stand out in the hallway so I could think about what'd I'd done.

*

I was playing Love Me Tender for Andres Romanchuk. It's a slow easy song but I butchered it because I hadn't practised at all. Andres Romanchuk said, What's wrong, Maestro?

I started shaking. I couldn't control it. Andres got me to roll my head around and do some deep breathing. It helped a bit. He said, Let's try something.

I said, What?

He said, Improv.

He said he was going to play some chords and I could just pick out a melody. We tried. It was awful. My hands were shaking so everything was muted or buzzy. I knew which notes I wanted but I couldn't find them.

Andres Romanchuk said, Let's try something else.

He took the guitar out of my hands, put it in the case, and snapped it shut.

Now, he said, Sing.

I said, Sing what?

He said, Whatever you feel.

I tried to find my feelings but they were locked beneath a trap door.

He started to play some bluesy chords with lots of pockets for a melody. I closed my eyes so I could feel it better. I heard notes in my head that sounded great but my throat clamped down on them. I took a deep breath and let out a sick sounding wheeze. Andres kept playing and leaving pockets for me but it was all just empty.

At the end of the lesson Andres Romanchuk said, If you're going to sing what you're feeling, you need to find what you're feeling first.

I nodded because I knew what he meant. The problem was if I really sang what I was feeling it might come out as a hot scream and melt his face off.

Maestro, said Andres Romanchuk, You're locked up tighter than a drum.

His girlfriend came into the attic to say times up. She said, Smells like a damn locker room in here.

It was me. I'd sweated through my shirt.

*

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who goes great with dip? Chip. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sparkles and shines? Jules.