I Can't Love You More Than This | Louis Tomlinson X Reader X Zayn Malik

Part 9: Five Stages Of Grief

Y/N's POV

Stage 1: Denial. 

I couldn't. I couldn't understand the stopped world around me. One minute it was all in colour and the next it went black and white. I didn't want to accept the fact that he was dead. He may not have been my last and forever love but he was definitely the one who thought me what was love. I would not. I could not. I will not agree that he's gone forever. 

Zahid was confused what was happening around him when we were at Louis' funeral. He didn't understand why everyone he knew were crying so much. As a 3 year old child, we didn't expect him understand what was death. 

I couldn't look at his face for more than one minute. It was not even close to impossible. It was impossible to believe that this man whom I had loved for more than a year was dead and it was my fault. Drugs were something that I didn't expect him to be on, and dammit Narcotics? No wonder he was so calm at Vegas that day. 

Stage 2: Anger

I showed it all out at everyone. At myself for being the reason he was dead, at Zayn for making me cheat on him, at Liam for telling him, at everyone I could find just because I mainly blamed myself. I was usually a calm and out going person but now I was completely different. I showed anger for the smallest reasons. It was like I was an on and off switch. 

Stage 3: Bargaining

I tried negotiating with myself. I was happy with Zayn right? We had a son, and life was great right? But no. That wouldn't work. Negotiating was something I couldn't do. This felt more hurtful than losing my brother and I couldn't negotiate when I thought, you've lost your brother, he was just your ex lover. 

He was more close than just that wasn't he? 

Stage 4: Depression

I shut the door, sat in the corner and cried. 

Everyday. Every moment I possibly could. I tried working but it seemed impossible. He was my Math professor and whenever I even tried to go do stocks for Zayn, I broke out. 

I barely ate or slept. It felt impossible to become normal for me. It seemed like an unmighty task for someone to do. Every small thing reminded me of him, things I used to do with him. 

Stage 5: Acceptance

That was one stage I had dragged myself to, 2 years post his death. Dragged myself to my work, did all I could, understanding he wasn't coming back, never ever again. I couldn't love him again, couldn't try to live that life with him again. 

Zayn's POV (The first and last of it, I Guess)

I couldn't show my emotions out. I wrote them down, as letters, to Louis. And I Burnt them. 

I didn't see it. Drugs, huh Louis? Didn't expect this from you, mate. I know I did steal your girl but I was still always worried 'bout you. I think I thought about you more than Y/N ever did. I think I always thought about you whenever I saw or thought about Y/N, because that day when I was driving to Vegas? She was right, mate. The reason I loved her was you. The reason she loved me was you. If I never met you in that school cafeteria, I don't think I'd ever be living a life like this, and neither would you be dead now.

It's because of me, wasn't it? The reason you died. It isn't Y/N. It was never her. It was always freaking me. She doesn't like Avocados, you know that? Because you don't like it. 

You were wrong Lou, that day at our wedding. What you told me was wrong. She was always in love with you mate. She was in love with both of us, and when you found out, you weren't ready to take her back after she knew you found out, she came to me. That's that. She never stopped loving you. 

I'm the second choice, Tommo.
You're the first. 

Wish I could tell you all this to your face.

But you left us didn't you? You had to, didn't you? You had to leave us, knowing we'd suffer. All six of us, you knew we'd suffer. 

You know why I was happy that day at the museum when I saw you with that girl? It wasn't because I was happy you wouldn't come after Y/N. It was because I was happy you'd moved on with life without worrying about Y/N. I know you wouldn't, Lou. I know you wouldn't come after Y/N. 

I miss you Louis. I miss you so damn fucking much. The moments we've always shared is beyond explanation, mate. I love you, Louis. And I miss you. WE miss you. All six of us, we're not the same without you. 

I saw all your flaws and imperfections, mate.
And that's what made me love you more.
We used to have such a spiritual connection...

She misses you Louis. I can't see her like this, and I doubt you would like to either.

And most of all?

I miss you Lou. I miss you so much. 

-Your 'Bradford Bad Boy'

And I watched, the moment I flicked my lighter, the paper began to turn into ashes, falling back into my desk... It was an irreversible reaction, you couldn't turn the ashes into paper again, just like he was never coming back again.