living under the blade

part 8

it has been a few days

i've been acting the same

dry, uninterested, no touch,.... and i knew that tom was feeling it to

sometimes he would ask me why i am acting the way i am and all i would do is just say

"im not in the mood today" or "just tired"

those are all lies btw

i was not tired or not in a mood at all, i was just bothered by the fact that tom couldn't just tell me the truth

if bill could tell me, why would he be able to?

its not that fucking hard, is it?

i was getting tired of acting like this so i was going to bring it up and see what he says

me, tom, bill, gustav and georg were sitting outside at the table for dinner

pasta was on the menu

while the chef (yes there is a chef bc before you, these bitches couldn't cook there food themself) was making dinner, gustav and georg were talking to the bodyguards that stood next to the gate

i took this opportunity to bring up the whole boss  thing

bill was still here but i didn't care, he was the one who told me the truth and i wanted him to be there, what if tom gets hella mad?

"tom" i said, still with my eyes focused on the paper straw i was playing with 

"what's up?" 

i couldn't even face him

"why didn't you tell me?" before i said what i said i took i quick look at bill 

he nodded his head slightly, it was a sign for me to ask the question that has been bothering me for so long

"what do you mean? what are you talking about princess?" he didn't sound mad at all

prob bc he doesn't know what im talking about

"why didn't you tell me from the beginning that you are a mafia boss?"

i looked him in the eyes, i felt like crying but it just wouldn't come out

i cried to much the last few days

"who told you that?" he said raising his voice

this is what i am afraid of, when people start raising there voice and started screaming at me, i just freeze 

i looked at bill with a face that said: pls help me

he had a face that said: im sorry

"Y/N LOOK AT ME, WHO TOLD YOU THAT SHIT?!" he was really mad now and i don't even know why

"STOP YELLING AT HER SHE DID NOTHING OKAY" bill stood up for me, screaming in his brother's face

"bill its fine" i said looking down 

"NO Y/N ITS NOT, HE CAN'T JUST START YELLING AT YOU LIKE THAT" bill wasn't screaming at me, his voice was just louder then normal at this moment

i wanted to leave, go upstairs and never come out again

" I CAN YELL AT HER AS MUCH AS I WANT TO, SHE BELONGS TO ME" toms words had hit my heart like a brick

belong to him? does he sees me as a sort of object that he can claim?

those words did kinda hurt

"YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGTH TO SCREAM AT HER! SHE DID NOTHING! AND YES I TOLD HER BC SHE DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH" bill and tom were now yelling at each other

both standing up

i looked around for gustav and georg but i couldn't see them

i wished i was at home, in my couch, relaxed, no drama

but i am here

 i don't even know if i wanna be here anymore

i love tom, i do 

maybe that sounds crazy but i still do

but i don't wanna life like this

i want rest, finish my studies and live a happy life

i don't wanna be locked up here

while these 2 boys were to focused on cursing each other out in every way possible

i slipped inside, i wanted to let my head rest

once i entered the house, i told the chef that he can put my food in the fridge

i told him that i wasn't feeling to good and that i was gonna rest for a bit

he told me that that was no problem and told me to get better soon

i gave him a slight smile and went upstarts

once i entered the room, i broke down

i just couldn't take this all any longer

i was gonna slip out tonight

i have a phone to lead the way home, i was gonna see mell again

i was getting happy at the thoughts of being back home again

but

i had to leave tom behind then.... i don't wanna do that 

what do i have to do?