Reading Through [Milex]

13

[Alex]

The thought of returning back to the hell I once thought I belonged to made me physically sick. It's not fear, it's just how impossibly heavy the weight is for me to carry. Having devoted my life to this toxic environment for years, and getting out of it on a whim only for it to chase after me and try to pull me back inside.

I've lost track for what's real and what's not. Not in an "I'm delirious" way but in a "the dreams I've been having are so similar to reality that sometimes i find myself wondering if that actually happened or if it was a part of my dream"

Maybe that's delirium.

Other than that, things are normal. As far as I'm aware, at least.

It's been two weeks since the news of Gabriel being around was announced to me by my boyfriend. And as the seconds go by it just seems less and less like he's going to come and see me at all. I mean, he knows where I live, right? He can just come by the door one day.

But he doesn't.

And though at first I was sceptical about leaving the flat because I was sort of paranoid about seeing Gabriel. I'd always take Miles with me wherever I went, he always dropped me off at the library and picked me up. But I soon realized Gabriel isn't going to show up anytime soon and I don't want to constantly be codependent on my boyfriend.

On a better note, we unboxed all of Miles' things, and he's fully moved in with me now. We combined our record collections and framed the ones we both had as accessories.

The library's construction was finished a little over a week ago and though I'm taking my time getting used to the changes, it's better than it used to be.

[02/09/201x]
[Friday, 07:00 a.m]

I wake up with my alarm, Miles is next to me. He also wakes up with the alarm and groans. I quickly turn it off
"Sorry love. You sleep, ok? I'll have breakfast and leave for the library"

He only came back home an hour ago. I'm not letting him wake up.

He nods and goes back to sleep. I kiss his cheek and get out of the bed.

The weather is nice though it's september. I prepare myself a simple breakfast and leave for work.

But soon realize it's colder than I thought. The sun deceived me.

I take out my notebook and scribble some words in it as I walk through the park on the way to the library.

•°•°•°•
You're the september sun
What a liar, what a lie
You're indecisive
Come back or not, but don't tease me
I'm no longer into those games you play
•°•°•°•

I don't like thinking about Gabriel. I have better things to focus on, really. I have Miles to focus on. And I don't want to let Gabriel take up any of my thoughts. He's not worth it

He shouldn't be worth it.
He's not.

I get to the library, unlock the door and walk inside. I inhale the scent of the leftover incense and the books. I walk over to my desk. It doesn't take long until some college kids come to study. They chit-chat a bit in whispers but that doesn't stop me from shushing them.

I'm one to pointlessly blabber. Though I come off as someone who doesn't talk much because I sure don't talk in the library. I too, talk a lot. But only in places where it's appropriate to talk.

Not the library.

I find myself finding comfort in rules when things get stressful. And though not as much as the first few days, I'm stressed about Gabriel being back.