My Person

Part 2 : Did you ever love me

Celine: 

All I ever wanted was to be happy. Happiness is in the moment, the more focused, the more powerful, like a beam of light to the soul. Infectious. But never contagious. It starts as a tingle in my fingers and travels to my toes. It was Sebastian. My brain stuttered for a moment as my eyes took in every bit of him, every part of me went on pause while my thoughts caught up. I couldn't believe it.

Shock brings quietness within, a moment to feel your emotions switch gears and girdle the soul for what is to come. I stare at his face for as long as I can till, I drop to the ground, unable to move. I feel layers of unsettling emotions flood in, as a sob rises in my throat, and tears pool my eyes. My voice thickens with tears, "How" I cry. Sebastian lifts me from the ground and pulls me closer to whisper in my ear, "I'll explain everything at dinner, let's go".

Once we arrive at the restaurant, he leads me to a small table in a quiet area. At a late hour for lunch, most of the tables are empty. He pulls out a chair for me and sits right across. The only light present is from a few well-placed candles around the restaurant and streetlights outside the restaurant. The restaurant is the hue of the sunset when the daytime flutters to wakefulness, it is beautiful. A waiter approaches and without saying a word, pours us wine and leaves the bottle. It is as if they had orders to serve and keep their distance.

When our eyes lock over the dinner table, the soft expressions we once had for each other have evaporated. Sebastian holds my gaze, but instead of seeing in his eyes the warmth of a partner, I see only a stranger. The waiters bring our food and we both eat in silence. Minute after minute passes by before he finally says the first word.

"You probably have many questions right now and I don't blame you, but I have no time, my life is depending on you right now", he says in a firm voice.

I'm still trying to slowly process this whole situation, but my mouth moves as if it has a mind of its own.

"What do you need?" I reply.

"I need you to sneak into your fiancé's computer systems and save all the data in this stick". He reaches into his pockets and pulls out a matte black USB, sliding it to the other side of the dinner table and giving it to me. My mouth continues to speak.

"And why do you think I would do that for you and not report you to the police for faking your own death?"

"Because I'm the only man you ever loved."

There is a scream from deep within me that tries its best not to come out my mouth, it is as if my terrified soul had unleashed an uncontrollable demon. All I feel is anger, betrayal, and embarrassment. Helpless anger simmers in me as I quiver with disappointment, my face hardening. How could he make it seem like the love was one-sided, making me feel small? This was not Sebastian, not my person.

I storm out of the restaurant furious, not looking back, I want nothing to do with him or his plan, I just need to breathe.

Rain pouring. Having each drop sit on my skin like a puddle that will never leave, perfectly formed. The rain had lost the ambient temperature of mid-fall, freezing and paling my skin on every touch. The path outside the restaurant is muddy water in motion, filling deep puddles that hide the ruts of dryer weather. As I walk closer to the bus station, I can feel the water steal the body heat. Perhaps after such a dark moment, I would now have some sort of shelter or warmth - but I guess not. I have become accustomed to the elements of hopelessness and betrayal. After the rain starts to slow down, I turn towards the sky for a sign, waiting for the sun to rise, patiently, staring, looking up at the sky that has never failed to show its vibrant colours. I look up for a sign of hope cause surely its hues will comfort me, accompany me in a way one else could. But as I stare and wait for the time, I need its colours the most, it has none left to give, no more hope. I start to wonder if maybe the sky is trying to tell me something, that this truly is it for me, making me wonder if my life will always be this way.