My Person

Part 5: The letter

Celine:

Celine,

This is my 27th time trying to write this letter and I still have no idea what to say. I let you in completely and showed you parts of me that I was deeply ashamed of. I let you touch me, the parts of me I hid away from the world. I let you touch me because I felt safe and complete. However, I couldn't keep you. I can't keep you. I really did adore you. I desperately wanted to be the refuge you stumbled upon, the one you understood as the gift of your soul being at home. I'm worried you won't forgive me. I'm scared I really messed up, but I have realized that starting a life with someone with lies is the most dangerous thing to do. I have been hiding something from you, Celine, for quite some time, and I have decided to come clean to you for once, today.

The black USB I had asked you to get me, carried some information that could have been taken advantage of by the wrong people.

When I first met you at that ball, falling in love with you was never my intention. I was there to retrieve something and leave. But once I saw you, I had to stay. I worked for the International Secret Intelligence Service and was sent to the ball to meet you to get closer to your father. Your father is not a good man Celine. He leads an organization that orchestrates money laundering, operating an unlicensed money transmitting business and bribing bank employees. My mission was to have you lead me to your father to gather as much information as I can to lock him up, but when I fell in love with you, I decided to stay longer to be with you, resulting in your father catching on and having his people investigate me. After we agreed to end things, I decided to fake my own death to get away from your father. He had discovered some information that would jeopardize everything, and I wasn't prepared to deal with it.

Once I asked the funeral company to call you, I figured I could have you steal that information for me, but after I saw you again, every feeling you brought out of me came back, consuming me. I need you to know that it was always you who had my heart, and I would never let anyone else have it if I knew there was a chance we could be.

You see, after I found you in the cottage, I wanted to kiss you, to hold you, but being that close to the police was not a smart idea. Your father has had inside men for years and would put me away no matter how guilty he looked. I needed hard evidence, but till then I must lay low. I have developed a group that will take your father down and will make him pay for the things he did, forcing me to leave you. You're mine Celine, and I will find you when the time is right, but it all depends on if you will wait or forgive me. However, there is one more thing I have been hiding from you.

Her name is Daisy. She's three now and has the same shade of blue eyes like me. She has a gentle soul and an infectious laugh and already knows how to add double digits! I keep her baby monitor on at night, and last night, she told me she loved me. She reminds me of you, you know. Beautiful and kind, brave and ambitious. She's a part of my world. She's the beat in my heart. She's my angel, and I want you to meet her one day if you will let me. I'm so sorry Celine. I will love you as long as my heart is beating, please never forget that. I just need to take care and protect her. I never knew how to tell you. But it was for her own safety and yours. If anything happened to her, I would never forgive myself. I trust you to destroy this letter after you finish reading it. I know you may have lots of questions but I promise I will answer them all. I will find you one day Celine, and I will explain everything. Just know my feelings were always genuine and I did really fall in love with you.

Sebastian

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As I put the letter down, I touch my face feeling water come falling down. All I want to do is cry and scream and let it all out because it is killing me on the inside. I have felt so broken these past months, it's all become so numb, so normal. I felt so much that I started to feel nothing. I was lied to even by the one person who I looked to for fresh air. Who would have thought that one page could have all the power to erase all the love I had for someone in one year? Although I wish I never met him, I thank him. I thank him for teaching me that you cannot light a match that's already been burned.