Acceptance - Creek // SP

Crooked nose

I breathe in heavily and push out my chest, watching it rise in the mirror.

I'm currently standing in nothing but boxers staring into my mirror.

I don't know why.

I was in the middle of getting changed and just started doing this.

I stare into the mirror and notice everything wrong with myself.

My big nose with its massive bump, my dry tanned skin, my bushy eyebrows, and stretch marks on my stomach because I used to be sort of chubby.

I've only ever cried about my looks once, in 6th grade.

I looked in the mirror and just broke down crying, I've never really been an insecure person, I notice my imperfections but I rarely cry about it, I get angry at myself for looking this way at times.

My mom always tried her best to make sure I'm not insecure.

I can't just not be insecure but I know why she tried, she used to struggle with body dysmorphia every day, and she still sometimes struggles when looking at herself in the mirror but she's getting better with her confidence and I'm so proud of her. She admitted this all to me late at night when she and my stepdad got into an argument because she thought he was flirting with a waitress and got insecure.

She never usually tells me what's wrong, she instead gets pizza from Domino, puts on a movie, and sits with me and my sister on the couch, everyone has a way of dealing with sadness and I don't mind her way of dealing with it, as long as she feels better.

I'm happy to have a mom like her.

I don't know why I cried that day in 6th grade.

No one insulted me or anything.

I just started crying and crying and I couldn't stop.

I was hyperventilating and freaking out for hours on my bedroom floor whilst half-naked.

My mom rushed to me immediately but I became nonverbal so instead of forcing anything out of me, she just sat with me and played music and spoke about her day quietly to soothe me.

It did eventually calm me down.

I could tell she wanted to ask what had happened but didn't want to make me cry again.

We don't speak about it, at all.

Nor does my stepdad.

That was the last time I cried.

I don't want to feel that weak again.

I don't want to cry until I can't breathe again.

I grab my red racer shirt and black pajama bottoms and quickly throw them on.

I leave my room and look at the hallway, covered in photos.

Photos of me and my sister growing up together, my parent's marriage, and the family Christmas cards.

I have such an awkward smile.

I run past them down the stairs to my dad making soup in his big pot and my mom washing the dishes from breakfast this morning.

"Hey," I mutter.

My mom turns her head and looks directly at me with a big toothy grin.

"Hey honey, how was school?" She asks.

I shrug my shoulders, walk to the couch, and sit down.

I grab the remote and start to switch the channels.

"You okay kid?" My dad questions

I sigh and look down at my fat rolls pushing out my shirt.

"Yeah. I'm fine" I look over at him and smile.

The front door slams and all of us look over in shock to see a drenched Tricia, both in water and tears.

My mom quickly put down a plate and rushed over to hug her, for Tricia to in return shove her off.

My mom stumbled back with a sad look as Tricia ran upstairs.

I look up at the stairs as we hear another door slam.

"What's happened now?" My dad asked with a worried look

My mom just looks at the floor and walks back to the kitchen.

Well it's not raining outside so I wonder how she got so wet.

I turn of the tv and go back upstairs.

As I walk upstairs I hear my parents mumbling.

I ignore it and make my way to my room.

As soon as I get to my room I start to rummage for a piece of paper.

"Why is there no fucking paper in my room?" I mumble, still searching.

I finally find a piece and sigh.

I start to scribble something down.

I then make my way to my sisters room and slide it under her door, coughing at the same time to alert her that it's there.

I go back to my room and turn my computer on and open up minecraft.

I message Clyde on snap to join the voice chat.

After I sent the message I hear my door creak open.

"I do want to play Minecraft with Clyde, thank you." Tricia mutters whilst looking down.

She has a different pair of clothes on, and has a towel wrapped around her hair.

"Sit down then." I nod to my chair.

She smiles and sits down.

She then puts my headset on and starts talking to Clyde.

Even though she'll never be with Clyde, I'll let her keep believing.

I smile at her and walk out of my room.

I'll ask her what was wrong on the car drive to school tomorrow.