Hold Me Tight

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

3:48 AM. My clock in those obnoxiously neon red numbers reads. I take a look into the hallway to check on Sam. After our episode in the shower and the giant fight with his dad, I felt a little weird sleeping in the same bed so I decided to sleep on the couch.My hands are still shaking and I keep sweating. The after effects of that fight with Sam and his father are hitting me. I think it's been hitting Sam as well. Every time I check on him, he's twitching his face and pushing his sweaty hair from his face.

I can't help but continue to stare at him.  Half of his flawless face lit by the dim hallway lights, but just lit enough for me to see every detail. A tiny scar aligned with his left cheek bone, his soft pink lips, his extremely long black eyelashes..

"I can feel you staring." He says with his low raspy voice. I jump.

"Sorry, I..uh.. was just checking on you. Making sure you're okay and all." I nervously say. How did we even end up here? I never talked to him before. He had his group and I had Evan. Now we are going on dates, fighting his father, and getting naked? Are we even a thing? boyfriend-girlfriend?

"Come here." Sam whispers. I shuffled over to him laying on my bed and stand next to him. His eyes are still closed but I can still see faint smile on his lips.  He pats the other side of the bed, signaling for me to lay with him. I do as he asks and lay next to him. I can practically feel my insides squishing together, forcing me to try and breathe through the pressure.

"Can you play with my hair? I need to know you're here." He says while taking my hand again and putting to his head.

"Why do you need to know that I'm here? You are in my bed and in my apartment you know." I whisper but start to play with his hair. His brown curls, soft to the touch, intertwines in my fingers. His head falls deeper into the pillow and towards my hand. Instantly asleep. He has so many bruises forming around his face, it breaks my heart. I peek at the clock again,  6:02AM.  I close my eyes and begin to drift off, replaying the fight in my head.

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Why am I so cold? I am freezing! My eyes fly open and look down at my body, I have 3 different blankets layered on me. I pull the blanket closest to my body out and wrap it around my shoulders. The window is open, I slam it shut. It's not until I turn around that I notice Sam isn't there. His side is completely made up, making it look like there was no trace. My heart sinks. Maybe he was upset or embarrassed about yesterday? Or what if he doesn't want to be around me anymore? My eyes water at the thought. I didn't think I liked him as much as I do. I finally admit it. I like him, a lot.

My phone rings and I read "Unknown". I answer the phone. A prisoner from Phoenix State Prison is trying to contact you, would you like to connect through. I agree.

"Ry! Finally, I've been trying to call you. Please just lis-" I cut Evan off.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I yell.

"You fucking killed two girls. Two little girls Evan!" I hear him try to say something but he stops.

"You have nothing to say for yourself?" I snap.

" I didn't do it." He says calmly. Too calm.

"Bullshit."

"You really think I would kill someone Rydel?! Let alone two teenage girls?" He sounds desperate. I hear a noise in the kitchen and begin to smell...breakfast?

"I have to go.. don't call me again ok." I shake my head, forcing myself not to yell or cry.

"Can you just try to visit? I need to talk to you. Please Ry. Please" I hang up the phone and walk to the kitchen. To my surprise, I see Sam making crepes and cutting up some fruit. I let out a deep sigh of relief, and he turns around. 

"Are you wearing my apron?" I begin to laugh so hard that I'm crying. My apron is neon pink and blue polka dot, I got it as a white elephant present a year ago. He looks down and scans the apron and joins with me in laughter.

"I already had to change my shirt twice from spilling that damn chocolate syrup all over me." His gray t-shirt is tight around his arms, but fits well. I turn and take a strawberry from his cutting board. He lightly slaps my hand and tells me to sit down.

"I thought I should make you breakfast since you've been there for me through this." He says chowing down on his strawberry chocolate crepe. I politely say thank you and begin to eat it. It is incredible, he can cook better than I can.

" Who was that on the phone? Sorry, I could just hear you yelling. Is everything ok? The way he speaks is calm and quiet, almost awkward.

" It was no one important." I don't look at him. I feel like he obviously knows who it was. He drops his fork and begins to yell.

"Rydel, if we are going to be together you have to tell me the truth. I know it was fucking Evan!" His lips are pressed into a thin line, his eyebrows pushed together in anger. I sit back, confused, and try to answer. The moment I open my mouth, he gets up from the table and walks to my room.  Together? We are together? How is it that I am confused with my own life?  I run after him into my room to see if staring at himself in the mirror. I see his lips moving but can't make out what he is saying. I try to sneak in a little closer to listen.

Don't fucking cry. Don't fucking cry. You're pathetic. You are pathetic!  My heart feels as though it's breaking into a million pieces. I step out from behind the wall and stand behind him. He looks at me through my reflection, he almost looks ashamed.

"Sam.." He turns around and slouches to the floor, holding his knees. I join him on the cold tile, holding my knees as well.

"Rydel, I am going to ask you to get something, but for God's sake do not ask me what it is." I raise an eyebrow.

"Promise?" I shake my head, yes.

"I need you to go into the front pocket of my bag and get me the red pill vial." I walk slowly to his bag and pulls out the vial. It reads, " Anti-depressants". I feel my chest tighten. My parents both had passed from depression. They couldn't beat the illness. I cover my mouth and take a deep breath. My mind is screaming but my eyes are telling a different story. I stalk over to Sam and hand him his pills, hiding my face. He pops two pills into his mouth and swallows. He closes his eyes and leans his head against the cabinets.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. Please don't cry. I'm sorry." His voice is so sad. I turn to face him and I can instantly see the pain in his face when seeing the pain in mine. He opens his arms and legs for me to sit between them. I take up the offer and lay against his chest and begin to sob. You know, the kind of sobbing where you can hardly breathe? The type of sobbing when you have to grip onto something because you feel like you're going to slip into a deep terrifying darkness. Sam squeezes me tighter into his chest and starts to sob along with me.

My parents and I were very close. I was the only child so that helped out a ton. I can admittingly say I was spoiled, they loved me so much. I was their happiness. They were both diagnosed with depression at the ages of 11 and 13. They were also on medication for it. I remember having to sneak them their pills at family events or parties with friends so they wouldn't be embarrassed.  Friends my age would ask what was wrong with my parents and I would always tell them that they were very sick. They both committed suicide when I was 17. I was the one who found them. I remember not feeling sadness first, I felt relief for them. Their pain and suffering was no more. It was when I graduated high school that I felt the sadness. It's only been two years and it feels like its been 100. I can only imagine how Sam feels. I wonder how long he's had it? What caused it?