Acedia

The difference between the past and the future

He loved you, you know?

I don't know for sure but I really think he did. Before, almost an year ago. He loved you. He'd talk about you all the time. About how happy he wanted to make you, how it made him sad when you were sad. He would always tell me that he hated feeling helpless because there wasn't much he could do to make you feel better. He talked about you for hours every night. Some nights, you were all we talked about. He talked about you like you put the stars in the sky.

And that's how I know. He loved you. Even for a fleeting moment, he did. And even when he stopped loving you, he cared about you more than anything in the world. He stopped himself from hurting you, every time, even if it meant hurting himself. He never wanted to see you in pain, and he sure as hell didn't want to be the reason for it.

I know how hard he tried.

But then, you.

You turned into this monster. You caged him and coiled yourself around that cage like a dragon; and he was your loot. You burned everything he loved, burned everything he cared about, burned all the bridges he'd built, burned everything except yourself so that he'd be forced to love you.

Oh honey, didn't nobody ever tell you? Love is the one thing that cannot be forced.

You may have been a dragon, but you were naive.

You had love, but you didn't realize it; so you destroyed it with your own hands.

I almost feel sorry for you.

But then again, you've taught me so much.

He gave me his heart, not for me to lock up within my clutch and hide away in darkness. He gave me his heart because he believed I made him feel things that others couldn't. So I'll let him feel, everything; the morning sun, the falling rain, the thunderstorms, the hurricanes.

You taught me that love was meant to be free, and not confined in chains of insecurity and self hatred.

And so; and so the story goes.

He loved you. Yes, he did.

And then he loved me.

I just hope that I don't become what you became. I just hope I don't ever hurt him like you did. I just hope, I just hope I can keep holding onto him forever without the need to sink my nails deep so he would bleed, but with a touch so gentle that he would sometimes forget it was there.

But then, it would always be there.

But then, I would always be there.