31. anxiety mornings

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I'm not sure why I wake up with a thumping headache or the fact that I'm not in my own bed

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I'm not sure why I wake up with a thumping headache or the fact that I'm not in my own bed. I don't recognise these sheets, I don't recognise the colour of the walls. Not until I glance down beside me to find River sleeping peacefully.

He's laying face down, arm wrapped around his pillow and his puffy lips slightly ajar. There isn't a shirt on his back, allowing for me to see all the little white scars that run down his biceps, across his forearms. His back isn't any better, not with self-harm scars but with what I think are cigarette burns, permanent discolouration of the skin.

My heart lurches in my chest. River didn't deserve any of this. He didn't deserve to hate himself so much that he took to harming his body to make things feel better. It doesn't sit well with me. Not when I know how incredible and amazing he is, inside and out.

I raise my hand and I gently run my fingers through his dark tousled hair.

Even when he's sleeping he's an absolute beauty. A sight for sore eyes. Especially in my hungover state–which now I remember because I drunk a whole bottle of wine to myself with Daisy. I never do anything like that, I rarely like drinking.

Oh God. A wave of nausea hits me. Did I do anything embarrassing last night?

I can't remember. I don't even remember falling asleep. I was so drunk I couldn't even make it to my own apartment that is ten steps down the corridor? My stomach gurgles this time and the acid shoots up my throat. I push it down because I don't want to be sick, not in River's bed, not with him beside me.

"Hey," his deep sleepy voice brings me out of my anxiety induced trance. "What's the matter? You look like you've seen a ghost."

River pushes himself up in the bed and studies me. No doubt I look pale like a fucking piece of paper but that's also because the alcohol is still buzzing around my body. I'm a lightweight, there is no getting around that.

"Was I a mess last night?" My throat burns. "I'm sorry if I said something or did something that I–"

"Alex."

"–I didn't mean to. See this is why I never drink. I get panicky and the worst anxiety ever and it's never worth it and I'm so sorry–"

"Alex."

"–I promise it won't happen again."

"Hey," he whispers and clutches my cheek gently. I search his bright green eyes for any signs of annoyance or hurt but I find none. Only his open gaze that is telling me to calm down before I set myself off. "You did nothing wrong. You didn't say anything, you didn't do anything. You were fun and my sister absolutely adored you. You passed out on my sofa when she left and I carried you to bed. There isn't much more to it. I promise."

The heaviness in my chest begins to subside with every word he speaks. Okay, maybe I wasn't a nightmare like I was expecting myself to be. "You sure?"

River breathes out through his nose with a confident smile. "I'm sure. You were amazing last night. Honestly, seeing you drunk and so relaxed. It made me happy to see you comfortable like that. You were on top form."

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