40. i'm sorry

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He's right here

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He's right here. Right in front of me. And all I can do is stare at him, his name falling from my lips in a pathetic murmur.

The first thing I notice is his eyes, they're heavy and have lost that natural sparkle it usually has. Then his clothes that are severely casual and mismatched, he never dresses like this–ever. It forces my stomach to twist painfully because I know I have caused this. I am the one that has made him like this.

Alex falters for a second and then Luca steps to his side.

My eyes flick to his for a moment of time, anger bubbling inside me at the thought of them getting closer–becoming closer. But then I remember, Alex doesn't have any other people in this town and knowing he's spending time with Luca means that he hasn't been alone.

I can feel the pressure between my brows begin to build until I'm internally wincing.

Alex looks over his shoulder and murmurs, "I'll see you later, Luca."

"Text me if you need anything."

He nods slowly and then turns back to face me, inhaling deeply before walking towards the door but keeping his eyes away from my own. "Alex," I murmur as he walks beside me, gripping onto the handle. "Please, just talk to me."

Alex's eyes focus on the ground as he steps out on the pavement and I follow quickly after him, fearful of him falling through my fingers without being able to resolve anything. I haven't seen him all week and I've been going crazy not knowing that he's okay, not knowing where he is.

Maybe I lost my right to know those things when I betrayed his trust but that doesn't mean I haven't stopped caring about him, I'll never stop caring about him.

"Alex," I plead desperately as he begins to walk away. I don't want to try and restrain him with my hand but my desperation is getting the better of me, so I reach out to grip his wrist gently and stop him from walking. "I just want to talk.
Please. I want to know if you're okay?"

He whips his head towards me faster than I can blink. "You want to know if I'm okay?" He exhales with focused eyes, eyes that have given up any sort of emotion. "You think that I'm okay after everything? After what I found out about the investigation? You really think that I'm okay?"

My eyes prick with tears because seeing him hurt is breaking me to pieces. "Alex," I swallow harshly.

Alex shakes his head and scoffs, eyes averting again. "Please don't, River. I'm tired and I can't do this right now."

Someone might as well have speared my heart in two because I can't breathe, I can't do anything but step forward as he backs away once more. "I'm sorry," I whisper, a tear rolling down my head. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

His eyes close in defeat at my pathetic begging but I don't know what else to do.

I am beyond desperate now. I am fucking frantic without him.

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