Simultaneous // Josh & Jake Kiszka

Chapter Seven

4 Months & 1 Week later...

It ends. Or it doesn't. That's what you say. That's how you get through it. The tunnel. The night and the pain. The love. It ends. Or it doesn't. If the sun never comes up, you find a way to live without it. If they don't come back, you sleep in the middle of the bed. Learn how to make enough coffee for yourself alone. Adapt. Adjust. It ends. Or, it doesn't. You do not perish. Even though you wish for it.

That was how he explained it to you. At times he sounded bitter and angry. At others, he sounded accepting and thoughtful. As you both sat there in the den at opposing ends of the couch. Josh, unable to settle as he teetered on the edge with his elbows on his knee's, occasionally putting his head in his hands.

And you, sinking back into the cushions as you listened to him. Twirling your fingers nervously around a strand of your hair. Every now and then he glanced over at you, almost as if he couldn't bear it, looking away the moment you caught his gaze.

"I know this can't be easy for you." You surmised. "I didn't come back here to make you feel some type of way, I just wanted to make sure that you were ok."

He took a deep breath and sank back, as if all the fight in him was exhaled.

"The fact of the matter is my brother... my twin brother...fucked my girl behind my back." He said it so clearly, as if he'd thought of nothing else. "I've never loved anybody like I loved you. But, neither has he."

You could see the way he was trying so hard not to fall apart. You felt as if you should have given him some warning that you were coming, but you'd been afraid that he might avoid you. Turning up unannounced had thrown him off course. Something you knew did not sit well with Josh. He was a man of habit, he liked things just so. And none of this was just so.

"That's kinda why I'm here." You said, thinking it would be wise to get it over and done with. "I didn't plan on coming back. I was going to stay with my parents until I got a job and live the rest of my life in fucking misery but Jake showed up last week. And he was adamant that he wasn't leaving without me."

"Let me guess." Josh interrupted, "He wants you to go and be with him in Nashville and I'm just expected to accept that the two of you are together now, is that it?"

You still hadn't made up your mind.

"It was never going to be as simple as that." You explained, leaning forward to pick up the glass of water he'd offered you when you first arrived. "I never should have been with you for as long as I was without telling you about how I felt about Jake. That was my biggest mistake and the one thing I've regretted most. I didn't know what the fuck to do, I'd never felt like this before about anyone. And there I was feeling it for two men. One I had already made a commitment to by the time the other came along. I should have said no to Jake. But how do you deny your own heart? I can't be sorry for loving him no more than I can be sorry for loving you."

He finally settled on you. Looking at you without moving away. And you felt yourself being called to him, to clear the space between you and return to his body.

"When we were little kids our Mom used to buy us all these toys. He was always into different stuff than I was. He had his toys and I had mine. I fucking hated being a twin. And so did he. But every now and then there would be something...a toy, a costume, whatever the fuck it was... and we would be forced to share it. And we'd be forced to be twins again." He turned his head, as if lost in a memory, his jaw clenched in that way it always did when he was stressed. "But then we realised even when we didn't have to share, when we were into different stuff we were still twins. We were always twins. There was no getting away from it. And once we realised it was a fortress nobody else could penetrate, there was no deviating from it. And that's the reason why we both love you. The reason you love us both. If it's real love. How the fuck could I expect you not to love him? If you truly love me."