The intimacy of anger (Sal x Travis)

Ashamed

Sal hadn't seen Travis all day which worried him, he never missed school. He didn't even see him at lunch which he knew they had together. Halfway into third period a dazed and seemingly tired Travis walked through the door and took his seat. Sal jumped out his own chair and went over to Travis to see why he was late. He knew Travis didn't want people to know they were dating but there was nothing wrong with just talking to him, right?

"You're here! I thought you might've not been here today, and I was worried," Sal exclaimed standing next to Travis's desk. Travis looked at Sal confused and seemingly disgusted before he said anything.

"Why the fuck are you talking to me Sally Face?" Travis shouted. Sal was caught off guard and didn't know what to say.

"I-" He was stunned and hurt by these words usually he'd consider it normal but after the day they'd had together that weekend he was surprised. He assumed he had just caught Travis at a bad time, he'd talk to him again later and see how he was doing then.

By lunchtime the next day Sal figured Travis would be out of his funk from yesterday, so he went up to him after getting his food.

"Hey do you wanna sit with me and the gang today?" He asked hoping Travis would say yes but instead Travis pulled him out of sight of his friends and began to angrily whisper to him.

"No, I don't! And you haven't told any of your friends about us right?" Travis was obviously upset and Sal didn't want to overstep any further.

"No of course not." Sal knew it was wrong to lie but he also knew Todd wouldn't break his trust or out anybody, so he figured it was okay to lie just about this one thing.

"Okay good, just please give me my space at school, okay?" Travis whispered but it sounded like he wasn't asking instead he was demanding.

"Yeah, okay." Sal deflated as he said this. He went to sit with his friends and tried to act like nothing had happened, but he couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. He was in turmoil. What was so embarrassing about dating him that meant Travis didn't even want to talk to him in public? He pulled his phone from his pocket and messaged Travis.

'can you come over after school?'

'Yeah, sure.' Travis responded quickly.

'Are you mad?' Travis asked Sal. Sal read the message and began to type but he found himself at a loss for words. He stared at his phone blankly for a moment before deciding he would just talk to Travis in person. He shut his phone and put it away then started to talk to his friends again.

Eventually he looked back over and saw Travis talking to some guy with short blue hair and freckles. Travis laughed at whatever the guy had said and that made Sal's blood boil. He left the cafeteria and went into the bathroom. In anger he punched the brick wall until his knuckles had busted. Usually he didn't have to worry about jealousy because Travis's angry demeanor tended to scare people off, but now that Travis's dad was gone he was getting nicer and more welcoming. Sal wanted him to be happy but he didn't realize that meant other people would talk to him, the competition made him furious. he knew he needed to do whatever was neccessary to keep travis as his own.

At the end of the school day Sal was waiting Travis was late again like last time. Watching the buses pull away and all the other walkers leave the school sparked a thought in him. Was Travis late on purpose? So no one would see them walking together? The thought made a pit form in Sal's stomach. He didn't want to believe it was true but now he couldn't stop thinking about it. Could Todd have been right? Was he really just going to be Travis's secret forever? On one hand that sounded sad and lonely but on the other he was so happy to be dating Travis that he would take whatever he could get. He knew he had told Todd that he knew his worth, and he did, but in Sal's eyes he was worth nothing without Travis. Ever since he had met Travis his only purpose was to follow him, to watch him, to love him. He would rather be Travis's secret than Travis's enemy again.

After the buses and most of the others who walked home had disappeared Travis showed up. He mumbled some excuse about not being able to get into his locker. Sal wanted to believe it but there was that worried voice always mumbling in the back of his head trying to poke as many holes in Travis's story as it could.

The walk back to Sal's house was quiet. Both knew when they got to the apartments, they were going to need to have a serious conversation and neither of them were excited about it. After the two got to Sal's room and took off their backpacks they sat on the bed. Sal was able to express his feelings through only his eyes and body since he hadn't had a face to make expressions with from a young age. So, even though Travis couldn't see Sal's face he could tell from his eyes and behavior that he was upset. Normally Sal was pretty chatty, so the silent walk just made Travis feel worse.

"About today," Sal started but Travis cut him off.

"I'm sorry." Neither of them spoke for a moment. "I'm sorry I was mean to you; I was scared, and it caught me off guard. I'm so scared of people finding out."

"Why are you ashamed of me?" Asked Sal his voice quiet but stern.

Travis looked like he was going to cry "I'm not ashamed of you! its just, Sal you know me you know some of what I went through, I can't just change years of internalized homophobia in a heartbeat. You're lucky you never had to hide who you are or hate yourself for it. But I did and this is still all so new to me. I understand if you don't want to wait for me to get better," Sal got a pit in his stomach as he heard Travis suggest a breakup.

"No no of course I'll wait! I was just hurt that was all, I understand. Could you maybe just not yell at me though even to keep up the front? I won't talk to you in school again, I love you and I want to wait for you."

"I love you too, but do you really want to date me while I go through this? It's not going to be easy."

Sal took a hold of Travis's hand and looked him in the eye sympathetically.

"I know."