dead (discontinued)

0.9

wednesday, february 3rd, 2015

i woke up today in a hospital. the walls were covered in obsolete peeling green and white wallpaper, the lights just a bit too bright as the smell of lysol invaded my nose.

the constant beeping of my heart monitor was giving me a headache and the thought of the IV needles being in my skin made me nauseous. i sat up and quickly scrunched my eyes shut due to the sudden rush of blood to my head.

my mouth tasted stale and my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. i scanned the room for a glass of water or an assistance button.

i quickly downed the water i found on the nightstand next to me in seconds. i tried to sit up but my back ached and refused to let me move more than a few inches.

i looked to the windows in search of anything familiar. and by familiar i mean you. i am always looking for you.

through the windows i saw my parents arguing and my younger brother sobbing as he hugged his stuffed giraffe closer to himself. you gave that to him, and it became his favorite.

you are fucking attached to every part of my life. it's not fair. you don't care, and i'm stuck here, with this constant ache in my stomach.

i tried to draw the attention to myself so that someone would know i was awake. i picked up my plastic cup and pelted it at the door.

my parents turned around and their expressions went from resentment to relief.
they rushed in and bombarded me with questions.

"guys please," i croaked. "my head hurts and i'm tired." my father stared at me in disbelief.

"oh you're tired!" he exclaimed monotonously
"were you the one who's been awake all week waiting for their daughter to wake up? were you the one who found out their daughter had an eating disorder-"

all i could hear was loud murmurs, it sounded like someone was yelling underwater. meaningless and muddled together.

i kept rubbing my temples trying to calm my pulsing headache.

"hey dad?" i mumbled tiredly.

"yes?" he heaved out with a heavy sigh, acting as if it were the most difficult thing to acknowledge me.

"fuck off." i sang

"excuse me?" he looked bewildered, as if he couldn't fathom that i'd disrespected him like that.

"no one asked you to be here, i'm sorry that me being in the hospital, inconvenienced you," i spat out.

"stop." my mother pleaded. i ignored her and continued my verbal assault.

"but you weren't much of a father figure before, there's no reason to pretend that you want to be one now." my voice wavered slightly, but i still sounded as strong and determined as i wanted to.

he was going to continue to yell at me but my mom escorted him out of my room.

i still didn't know why i was in here. i know that i didn't have an eating disorder, so why was i really in here?

my mother came back in and sat down. she took a few deep breaths in and out and then steadied her breathing and pushed back her shoulders. my little brother sat anxiously in the corner of the room, holding that goddamned stuffed giraffe.

"go throw that out." i spoke to my younger brother, my voice was almost unrecognizable.

"what?" he questioned confused.

"go throw that fucking giraffe out." i growled.

"what no-" he began to protest.

"leave your brother alon-" my mother interjected leaning to block my view to my little brother.

"GO THROW THE DAMNED TOY OUT!" i screamed shaking my head back and forth. he scooted back to get as far away from me as possible.

"you're not a baby you don't need a toy." i jeered at my innocent 5 year old brother.

he doesn't deserve this my subconscious jumped in.

he began to cry which only angered me.

"don't cry, only babies cry and only babies need toys." i jabbed once again.

i kept reminding myself that if i treated people like this that you would hate me.

why did i do that?

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry." i chanted to myself while rocking back and forth on my bed.

i began to cry when i remembered that you said you didn't like it when i cried. i stopped immediately.

my mother stared at me horrified. she swiftly grabbed my distraught brother by his shoulders and began to guide him out of the room.

"mom no please-" i began

"fucking save it." she sneered at me as she slammed the large metal door and it clicked shut.

where are you? why aren't you here? please come to visit soon. i miss you so much.

does this make up for the long wait?? i'm soooo sorry i had no inspiration for this story :') but this is completely unedited!! so if you see any mistakes please correct them :))!! also it's 3:25am and im hanging out with a bunch of my friends in a couple hours so that's kinda cool!!

leave comments about where you think the story's going!! i wanna see yalls predictions!!!!! i love you all and hope you have a wonderful weekend.

PSA: i do apologize if i didn't display her mental illness correctly, i tried to do as much research on it as possible. but if you see anything that could use some tweaking, please tell me!! im always up for constructive criticism!!

love you xx bella