RENEWED HOPE

DAY 14

I get to Doctor Hen's office and find him already waiting for me. Tapping the pen on his notebook. Typical.

"Do you miss hanging out in the garden?" he asks, looking at my beautiful red wristband

"Sometimes," I say "But I like how it makes me stand out"

"You like standing out?"

"Who doesn't?"

"So, you wouldn't mind wearing it the rest of your time here?"

"I wouldn't if you tell me what's wrong with Alexa," I say smiling.

"Why don't you ask her "He says "She might tell you"

"Do you think she'll tell me?"

"Make her trust you," he says "Then she might"

"Why thanks for the tip, sir," I say, saluting him.

"Am I making you nervous?"

"Yes," I say "I have a feeling you are about to ask me something you know I won't enjoy"

"You don't trust me much, do you Kayla?"

"I don't know doctor Hen, I haven't come to a decision yet. I mean, apart from trust being a strong word in my dictionary, when I'm not here, I don't think of you at all" I lie "And when I'm here, I'm thinking about how to answer your questions"

I look at his amused face and my hands ache from wanting to badly slap the amusement off his face.

"Why don't you trust me, have I given you any reasons not to?

"It is not just you, I don't trust anybody"

"Can you tell me why?"

"Most of the time I am scared of their reaction, or what they would think of me after that. I feel like trusting someone with information, or just anything is like putting him/her in your little prison. It's like they become your little slaves, not a diary, I don't believe in human diaries. If I have to tell you something, it has to be something I would tell any other person.".

"Do you know why I became a psychiatrist?"

"Probably because you love snooping around other people's private lives or stories they would have loved to bury and never remember again"

"I had a sister about your age, she committed suicide because she was depressed. My parents traveled a lot, and I was always partying. So, she was home alone most of the time. I only came to know about her depression through the note she left behind, saying how sorry she was when it was us who were to be sorry. She had been raped by her boyfriend's friends; she couldn't even trust me with this. I spent years blaming myself for what happened to her, even though in her note she said I shouldn't. Almost beating the life out of those boys didn't make me feel better, I damn nearly killed them. I spent months mourning her, thinking that maybe if she could have shared what she was going through with someone, her death could have been prevented, if I was close enough to her, she could have trusted me and maybe I could have helped her get through it.

That's when I decided that I wanted to prevent such kinds of deaths, I couldn't save my sister, but I could save many other people through her. It is my joy to see people leaving this facility smiling, it's a win, that's what I want for you. So, to answer the question you earlier asked, no, I did not grow up wanting to deal with crazy people, I grew up wanting to help them, and not everyone who is here is crazy, you are not crazy, you are depressed, let me in, let me help you through this"

I look at Doctor Hen, trying to comprehend what he just told me.

"Do you miss her? Your sister?"

"I do, but each and every one of you reminds me of her," he says smiling.

"Do you mind me asking how she killed herself?"

"No, she jumped through the window, from an eighth-floor story building"

"Is that why the windows are heavily grilled?"

"Not because of her, no, I didn't build this place if that's what you're asking" he answers wryly.

"Do you tell this story to everyone?"

"No, if I did, I would have said it in the group sessions, or even told you during our first session"

"Okay, enough with the questions," he says as if sensing that I still wanted to ask more questions, which I did. He then hands me a piece of paper and tells me to put down my friends' names. I ask if it's okay to start with Aby and he just gives me that 'seriously?' look, so I do just that. I write a few more names then hand back the piece of paper to him. He looks at it and reads the first name aloud, then smiles and utters "You never disappoint" under his breath. I am expecting him to start asking about the rest, but he doesn't, he keeps the paper between the pages in his book and looks at me.

"I noticed you like spending time alone," he says "You should socialize more"

"Why?" I ask

"You spend too much time on your own and it's not goodfor you. Society has not gone away while you've been trying to get better. Thepressure to interact remains as do the conventions that govern behavior