RENEWED HOPE

DAY 25

Today during group discussions, I didn't want to sit next to Aby, probably because I knew she was going to talk about Joe the whole time, or, just look at him until he noticed. There is no other empty seat though, except the one on her right, it's like everyone sits in the same spot every day.

She leans over to get my attention and directs my eyes to Joe's shoes, I didn't want to laugh, okay, I wanted to but was trying not to. I think that is worse, you should consider yourself lucky if it has never happened to you. In the process of me trying to cough out my laughter, it's like the brakes broke loose and I ended up laughing loudly. Earning everyone's attention, thanks Aby.

What happens next is the worst. Maddy asks me what's funny crossing her arms, and Aby follows her by crossing her arms and giving me the 'tell us' look. This crazy little pig. Everybody goes back to their businesses when I don't say anything, and only then does Aby laugh, then tells me she couldn't risk being caught in trouble with me, can you believe that? Before I can retort back, doctor Hen comes in and asks Joe to follow him out. They talk for a few minutes, doctor Hen dominating over the conversation, before Joe comes back in. His face is void of any emotion, not giving a clue of what the conversation he just had might be about. I release an exasperated sigh that I had unknowingly been holding.

There's just so much about Joe that doesn't add up to me. I strongly feel like there's a good part of him that he hides from the rest of the world. I stare at him, trying to see past his cold demeanor. His eyes are fixed on something on the floor, like his whole world is down there, like someone having a conversation with some very important people, planning something big, or just stressed out about something. And now more than ever, I want to know what had made him almost kill his last offender. But of course, I was not going to walk to him and ask him to tell me everything that happened like we are the best of friends, in one way or another, I was going to find out what happened. It was only a matter of time.

Doctor Hen doesn't come back for another thirty minutes, so everyone is pretty much busy doing their own things. I take this time to try and think of my life after this place, what was I going to tell the people that would ask what had happened? How am I going to behave around my family? This wasn't some kind of walk of shame I had to do, or maybe it was, just a million and one times worse. I don't want people to treat me any differently. I just want to disappear from this place. To someplace far away, where no one knows me, to start a new life. But this will only mean causing my family more pain, which makes me wish my suicide attempt had been successful, they would have probably forgotten about me already, and would maybe be carrying on with their lives like I never existed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way trying to glamorize suicide, I'm talking about death, eternal rest.

I really don't think I'm scared of death anymore, because it is something I have craved, not once, not twice. I have wished to not be there at all. I have looked at myself with disgust and judged myself to be the biggest sinner of all time. I have compared myself with people and realized how less perfect I am. I have seen myself as nothing, and when I was dating Christian, most of the time I believed he was doing me a favor. I have never believed I am good at anything, and he made sure of that. He may have done it knowingly or unknowingly, but I guess I will never really know. I was never good enough, I am not good enough, I wasn't to him, I can't to anyone, that's why I should be far away from anyone who thinks I am good because I am not. And I am ashamed of that. I don't have self-confidence and definitely nothing to live for, but Doctor Hen and my family think otherwise as they know me better!

These thoughts kept sprawling in my mind and by the end of the session, I felt like my brain was exhausted. Doctor Hen never showed up so it was a real staring competition between those who had not been lost in their thoughts. I wasn't feeling quite well so I went to lie down in my room. I just felt sick, some pain I couldn't explain, I didn't want anybody to find out, so I just kept it to myself with the hopes of it just getting over soon. After thirty minutes of struggling to sleep it off, which seemed like ten hours, I finally fell asleep consuming me.