"I knew then, that I was never going to be the same. I could not trust Christian anymore. When I finally agreed to meet up with him and hear him out, he came with his signature handkerchief, the one he carried with him every time he was coming to deliver me an apology. The one I would use to help me wipe my tears. He sure as hell blamed whatever had happened on the alcohol. That they both did not know what they were doing. He said I was his home, that he did not want to lose me, and that did the trick, how could I let him be homeless?
I forgave Alberta too. Things didn't go back to the way they had been before, not immediately, but I did not want to lose either of them, because I loved them both. A part of me knew that Christian wouldn't have minded me wanting out. But I chose to ignore it. I wanted things to work out.
Christian became all loving again and for the first time since we started dating, invited me over for a sleepover. I thought I had made it in life. I thought this was now progress, I thought he had now changed for the best. I don't know why I kept thinking. That weekend was the best and the shortest. We had spent lots of time together, watching and cuddling and just enjoying each other's company. He knew the way to my heart, from mending it to breaking it.
My happiness didn't last long. We were now sitting for our final exams. I was, and he had invited his group members to his house for revisions, Kelsey being one of them. The two of them never broke up. Christian had told her he was planning to break up with me. Yes, I contacted her and got her to trust me, and made her believe we could be friends again. She bragged about how he had taken her to his home, I thought he had taken me there because I was special, but he took everyone there, and she poke so confidently about how he said he loved her, she told me how free he was always with her, and told her everything and trusted her with everything about him. And if that wasn't enough, she told me she was just having fun and would marry a Muslim, like her. That last part hit me hard. She was advising me to hang in there while she had her fun with my boyfriend, then she'd leave him for me. I was done being his good girl(sighs) if Christian wanted to have fun, I was going to let him have fun.
I felt with everything I had been through, I needed love. I expected Christian to love me but I was obviously asking for too much. The first guy I met, Blair, through a friend, was all too proud but just another liar, and it ended as soon as it had started, but not before his girlfriend told me to stay away from him. The first time I saw him was also the last. Then I met Jerry, he was tall, light in complexion, and very romantic. We talked for a while, met once and I realized it was a big mistake. I was looking for Christian in all these people. At last, I met this old friend of mine, I had stopped looking for love. Christian was giving me the silent treatment, and I concluded he was busy with Kelsey. I decided to keep myself busy too. I became him and started going out with this friend of mine. I acted like him and can't ever forgive myself for that.
Mat was his name, he treated me like a queen, he listened to me, made me believe he loved, and it felt good to have someone who did, even if it was all pretense. Christian helped me get a job, contact where he was working and was just so caring all of a sudden. He was back like he never left. Mat tried talking me into leaving Christian and that's when I realized how wrong what I was doing was, I was cheating on Christian. I hated myself for this. I had let my anger lead me and now, I was the monster. Christian found out about my infidelity and was furious. He made me confess everything, telling me it was the only way I could save myself, but there was no saving, he had already made up his mind. He didn't need any extra reason to leave, but he came prepared with lies to make me look even uglier. I begged him to forgive me, reminded him of the number of times he had asked me to forgive him, and I did, but his mind had been made up. That day he left me, without second thoughts, he never looked back, not once, not ever.
He was gone. The only person I had lived to love. I had given him everything, I killed for him, and I chose to believe him when the whole world screamed for me not to. I chose him over and over, and the moment I stopped choosing him, the moment I forgot how to choose him, he slipped away. Him leaving me had always been my greatest fear. All those years, I never walked away because who would I be without him, what would become of me without him? He had been a part of me for the longest time, and I had always only seen a future with us together. I never once saw us apart. I recall how he had nearly not looked at me when I had gone begging him to stay at his workplace. I wanted him back in my life, but not more than I wanted him to forgive me. He had treated me like a stranger, he had sent me away and told me to stay away from his life, and in that moment, I realized I didn't know him, I had made him hate me to the guts.
He said he wished me well, that he was sorry for asking me to put my life in danger for him, he was sorry he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be. He had looked back through everything, but there was nothing to stay for. And he was gone. I had sent him away, I had broken his heart. I had become the monster I was scared of. I hated myself even more. I begged him and texted him through every platform I could, but he blocked me, but not before telling me to stop wasting my time and stay away from him. Not a single day has passed since that day, that I don't regret doing what I did, that I don't wish I could go back in time and change things, I could have done better, I didn't, I was depressed, I wanted to die. I wanted to feel pain every time, so I would hurt myself at every opportunity I got. I tried killing myself several times. I don't know why I couldn't die, why didn't you leave me to die, I should have died on that day.
I was broken to pieces. I told him I would wait for him, and that he could come back whenever he was ready. But he had made it so clear that it would never happen, that there was nothing I ever did, or could ever do that would make him change his mind. I believed he could change, but he didn't believe I could. Christian ends things with me feeling pain in places where pain should never exist. I was so angry at God, all through the years, He had been the one I turned to when I was going through hard times. I had prayed for my relationship to work out more than I could ever remember. I prayed that God would make my heart forgive all the time I needed to. I prayed for Christian to change, but clearly, none of my prayers were ever answered. Or I did not direct my prayers to the right person. I felt like the God of the widows had failed me when I needed him most.
I felt like God had left me to deal with my problems on my own. When it was my turn to be forgiven, He had made it impossible. But maybe He had shown me all the signs I needed of how badly it was going to end, but I have always been a believer of happy endings, or maybe I was, but not anymore. In my heart, I felt like God had created a little hell for me here on earth, for all the sins I had done before, for all the deaths I had caused, He was punishing me for not keeping any of His commandments. That day I believed I was the biggest sinner alive, I felt like a monster, but I knew I looked worse and I just wanted to make work easier for Him, at least that's what I told myself, I just wanted to skip the hell on earth part before I wanted Him to find me and heal my heart. I had high expectations for that relationship, I had no idea I would be the one to make it come to an early ending
The next few days were the longest days of my life. They dragged by so I could feel the pain in detail. Every part of my body ached. I had not expected things to end as they did, had I known, I would have tried to stop it, to change things, but it was a little too late for that. I did not recognize myself, I didn't want to talk to anyone about what had happened, not after all my attempts to make them talk to Christian had failed which each of my friends telling me to let go. I detested myself. I know they did too, I wouldn't blame anyone who judged and blamed me for what happened.
He had told me that time would heal us both, and sure enough, a few days after our break-up, on my birthday, he was over everything and Kelsey was posting pictures of her in his house, in his clothes. He was over it. He had fulfilled his promise to her of breaking up with me., and I helped him fulfill it. The two of them could now have their happily ever after. You wanted to know if I needed help, no, I didn't need help, I needed help back then, right now, you can't take me back in time to change what I did, and there is nothing you can say that will make me feel less guilty about it."
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RENEWED HOPE
Misterio / SuspensoKayla, a 23-year-old, wakes up in a mental hospital after attempting to commit suicide. At first, all she wants to do is get out of the hospital, but later on, she trusts Doctor Hendrey and tells him what has been bothering her.
