RENEWED HOPE

DAY 20

I don't remember coming back to my room after the heavenly yellow drugs. I must have dragged myself to bed. I remember my previous session with Doctor Hen, and, surprisingly, I don't want to stop talking, I want to get over it and be done with this.

I got to Doctor Hen's office, and for the first time, he was not there. He comes in a few minutes later and informs me that I was twenty minutes early for our session. I ignored him and told him something that I wanted so much to let out.

"Do you know why I changed my dead dog's name from Marichui to Kelsey?"

"No, I noticed the similarity in the names but I didn't want to interrupt you"

"After I learned of her betrayal, I wished it was her that had died the day my dog had died. I wished it was her that we would wake up in the morning and find sprawled dead on the rug, with dried-up tears on her face, and white wide eyes. I wished it was her that would now be rotting where my favorite dog now was. I wished it was her that didn't have to live another day. I wanted it to be her." I say with so much contempt and watch as Doctor Hen takes off his glasses, and dries off his face before asking him if he thought that was evil and mean of me.

"Do you still feel that way?"

"No, it doesn't mean I love though"

"Grief makes people think and imagine strange and weird things, some of which you wouldn't do when in your normal self, that was your way of dealing with grief because I want to believe that when you pictured her as the dog, you felt you had achieved something. It doesn't make you evil, but it's not the right way to deal with the pain"

He asks me to pick up from where I left off whenever I am ready. This is just another level of torture.

"Well, like I said, the beginning was fire(chuckles) everything was okay, he kept in touch through texts and calls, just as much as you'd need, I'd visit once in a while over the weekends and school closed, he'd call me every day, checking up on me.

In 2019, while on holiday, I was three days late. I missed my periods. I was pregnant. I knelt down asking God for miracles. Praying for the second test to be negative. I googled the symptoms and trust me, when they say never consult uncle google with your symptoms, you should listen. Uncle Google is the last person I should have talked to because I felt like it kept asking me, 'You didn't know? Even the symptoms I didn't have before, were now there. I was not stressed, no, I was in shock. I informed Christian and his first question was "You are not on drugs?" assuming I even knew the drugs he was talking about back then, I didn't expect that question, not from him. I was just 19 years old, and we had never had any conversation regarding a drug before, but I was already sure he was blaming me for this. He told me to give us both time to process the information, "Let's sleep over it and decide on what to do tomorrow"

Of course, I could not sleep, I was awake for the better part of the night, I promise I did not see any option apart from keeping the baby. I was going to tell him that I had decided to take all the risks and chances. Later on, when he called, I told him just that. And I could read the disappointment in his voice like he was wondering what was wrong with me. He said we couldn't keep the baby, that we were not ready for it. That we still had our studies ahead of us, that we would ruin our future. When these words come from someone you love, it's a whole lot of different pain, one you can never explain. I was confused and messed up. I lost weight. I had no appetite and was nauseated most of the time. Being home didn't make things any easier. I never imagined myself in that position.

A few days later, I was feeling all these weird symptoms. I felt strange changes in my body and when I told Christian about this, he said I couldn't have been feeling that way, that baby was barely a month old. Like he knew so much about pregnancies. I was scared and alone. I could not talk to any of my family members about this.

He had decided that we were getting rid of the baby, and he sent me a message telling me to go to the clinic near me and ask about abortion. Now I was beyond scared. I could not even cry, there was nowhere to cry without anybody seeing me. I was bottling up everything I felt. But really if you have been through pain, you'd know you can never control tears. I would occasionally wipe the tears that would slip from my eyes.

When I asked him how I was to do such a thing, he said, "People do these things" so I knew he was not going to change his mind. When I got to the clinic, the doctor told me they didn't offer abortion, it was illegal. He asked me why I didn't want to keep the baby, "You want to remain beautiful and keep slaying?" I felt so much pain, I was disgusted with myself, this was not someone who was going to believe me when I told him it was the father who didn't want the baby. I was the one sitting in front of him, asking him to terminate my pregnancy after all.

He took a test to confirm the pregnancy, and yes, it was still there, it had not gone anywhere. He then asked me to lie on the patient's bed in the doctor's office, that he needed to be sure. This was the most painful part, I had brought this upon myself, and I told myself it was my problem, my fault, and I deserved what was happening to me. The doctor asked me to lie flat on the bed. But confirming the pregnancy was not his only agenda. He took advantage of the situation, he touched me in ways I was so sure were completely unnecessary. I cried throughout the process. I know you are thinking, "Why did you stay?" I stayed because I loved Christian. I did not want to lose him because I refused to do what he wanted. I was afraid of him leaving me alone in all this. But above all, I felt like this was already too much, we were already going through much, I didn't want to be a problem in his life.

I did not tell Christian what took place at the doctor's, I just told him the amount he wanted to carry out the procedure, emphasizing how soon it had to be if I wanted to keep it a secret. There was no changing his mind. He assured me it was not like he didn't want to take responsibility for his actions, he wanted us to focus on other things first. He said I had to trust him, that he knew what he was doing, he said I only thought I was ready for the baby, but I wasn't.

And that was my very first terrible mistake. If I could go back in time, I would listen to him instead of him. That day, I signed my first child's death certificate. That's the day I killed my first daughter or son. That Doc was my first murder, and I have never forgiven myself for that

Christian promised to send me the money for the process, but he didn't. Days went by and I was feeling worse. The doctor called to inform me that he already had the drugs, and the earlier I went for them, the easier the process was going to be. I told him I didn't have the money yet, but he gave me the drugs and made me promise that I was going to bring it as soon as Christian sent it.

He instructed me on how to take the drugs and warned me not to take any painkillers, for the drugs to work efficiently. I didn't know he just wanted to punish me. He also gave me some strong anti-malaria drugs, so in case things went wrong, I'd say I took them with no knowledge of the baby, to protect him from getting into trouble. Christian called with other instructions he had gotten from Google and didn't call again until late that night to confirm if I had taken the drug and then casually asked how I was feeling he then promised me that he'd be a phone call away in case of an emergency.

The pain was intense but I kept reminding myself that this was my punishment. I went through the whole process alone. I did not know that the worst was yet to come. This was one of the longest nights of my life. Christian did not call again, he just sent me a half-assed text message telling me how much he loved me for doing this. That was going to be for our own good.

I never wanted to be the woman who had an abortion, I never wanted that to be a part of my history, but now it was. I was officially a murderer."

"Kayla, you can take a break," says Doctor Hen "We'll carry on tomorrow, and I want you to know that I'm here to listen, not to judge you, you don't have to be ashamed of what happened. You are a survivor of what happened"