A Monster's Diary.

Entry 2. (im a gross simp.)

Tw: F slur.

I've been with plenty of people, but nothing ever seems to stick. In fact, I've had 25 relationships, but, I've never been in love. The one person that ever made my heart truly move is gone, because of me. I've felt love, I've seen love, I've heard love, but never once have I been in it.

I forced myself to pretend, so i would feel normal. Honestly, I'm not so sure if anyone has ever been in love with me. I'm hard to love. I lash out in anger, and are often in a state of psychosis. I don't mean to be like this, i don't want to be like this. So distance, so cold, so- so unlovable.

People fall for me like dropping flies, i swoop in and pull them from a boring life. I always warn them "You'll end up hurt by the end" and they say "No way! I'll love you forever!" Next thing you know, they hate me, and all their friends hate me. People like the idea of me, the me i project to the world, but none are prepared to deal with who i really am inside. The moment i open up, it all comes crashing down on me.

I wasn't surprised when you came into my life, E. It was the same fucking story as every other time. A sweet, vulnerable person falls for the big F♡ggot flirt. But something was different when i found you- or perhaps, when you found me. I was scattered, broken, and torn. I had been in love for the first time, and then i lost it. I was in a stage of trying to forget but still longing for memories of them.

I now lay next to you as you say those words, "I love you."

Love me? You barely know me, I barely know me.

"I love you too." I answer.

I hate that you are my weakness. Perhaps I'm using you to fill the void they left, or perhaps...perhaps something changed in me. Time will tell, and for the first time, I don't want to rush it. As long as I'm with you, I'm okay with not knowing what comes next.

But, is any of this even real?