A Monster's Diary.

Entry 5.

Tw: Implied mention of abuse kinda-? Its a bit more complicated than that.

Why is it so wrong to say that i still love you, when i do?

I love you, I love you, I love you.

But that's not what i tell everyone. I say i hate you, that i don't ever want to hear from you again.

These were your friends before mine, these halls treversed by you before I. This was your life, then i entered it. Now i'm here and you aren't.

I'd like to pretend that i forgot all about you and what happened to us, forget the moments we shared and the moment we never saw each other again. To Continue acting like I've moved on, but its hard to do when you were my whole world. I wish you could see this with all honesty.

My friends tell me that you feel the same as I, that you hate me now aswell. But the fact we were so similar, and the fact my hatred is a lie, I have a feeling it isn't true.

I still cry at times, craving the feeling of you in my arms. The nightmares aren't as bad as they used to be, but i still get them from time to time. One particular nightmare has stood out recently, one of me screaming that all i want is you, that i want my boyfriend. Shear and utter pain trailing my voice as a yelled and cried. I awoke with a teared stained face.

I think you'd like them. My new partner. They're younger- and aren't like you or I. They're different from all of our friends. I wouldn't have liked them very well if in different circumstances. If you were still here and that day never happened at all- they wouldn't have liked who i was either.

I guess I have you to thank for them. I would have never changed and got better if that day never happened. I wouldn't have got sent to DAEP, and i wouldn't have met them.

They don't get my jokes, and they don't like the things that I do. They're nothing like you were. They're immature and sensitive, they're type of person we would have made fun of together. But we met not long after I lost you, i was weak, sad, and broken- and them-, they were a light in the pitch black. That moment, my heart changed.

I wanted to get better, be a good person- they made me feel different than ever. With you, our relationship thrived on. my anger and our unhealthy behaviour. Our love was twisted, but with them, it was pure. It was something i hadn't yet experienced. So I picked up the pieces you left behind and began to reinvent myself.

I'm still Nick, on the inside. I'll never be able to get rid of that part of me, but I'll never be the same. I'll never lay a hand on the one I love with anger and ill intent, nor with twisted lust and love. I will never yell or raise my voice at them fueled by annoyance or the need to control them.

I've begun to be gentle and vulnerable, okay to cry in their arms. I bring them gifts, and put their needs on an equal as mine. I comfort them, and help them with their outbursts. When they don't enjoy what i do, i find something we can enjoy together instead. They listen to my rambling without an ounce of annoyance, and I to theirs.

They are enough to make this ice cold heart melt.

This all isnt to say i don't miss you and have love in my heart. This isn't to say if i saw you that i wouldn't run to you, hug you tight, and say that im sorry a million times. I would do that, and more. But you deserve better than me. I do have hope in my heart that you share the same feelings as I, but if you didn't, i wouldn't be mad.

I'm healing, and i hope you are too.

Sincerely,

-"Nick"