Would That I

Chapter 9

Neteyam's POV

"Talion-" I called, though he didn't react, only walking towards the pod we were assigned, "-what is wrong?"

He once more did not respond, before arriving at the pod; going inside, my mother nor father here. He went over to where his bedroll was laid out, before laying down on it, not a word being said.

"Talion-" I sighed, not understanding what is wrong, "-what is bothering you? You have been acting odd ever since the old shack."

He said nothing, his back still to me, completely still.

I walked closer, bending down beside his form, "Talion, talk to me." I placed a hand on him, only for him to jerk away, finally looking at me.

Talion's POV

I could see a bit of hurt appear on his face, though it vanished just as quickly as it came. He didn't seem angry, just concern written all over his face.

I sighed, instantly feeling bad for how I'd been acting, but I'm not sure how to put it into words or explain to him what I have been feeling. I looked down, away from him; I never intended to be difficult or mean.

"I'm sorry." I muttered, looking away from him, his ears slightly perking up at this, "I've just..." I hesitated, trying to find the words, "...I've been doing much thinking."

Neteyam sat on the ground beside my bedroll, "About what?" He asked, me sighing and slightly dropping my head, trying to make sense of everything in my brain, to make it into intelligible sentences, and then tell him.

"I-" I kept fumbling my words, any words that wanted to come out just not sounding right, "-I do not know...who I am."

I managed to get out, though these words still did me no justice for how I felt inside.

Neteyam looked puzzled, though still listened.

"That night, when we went to the old shack...there was a masked figure who attacked me." I muttered, looking down, the memory of it flashing through my mind, "But when I took the mask off-" I brought a hand up to my own face, my own touch feeling foreign, "-I was gazing at myself."

I looked up at Neteyam to see if he was understanding, and it looked like he was.

"I saw myself, I was-" The memory of his face flashing in my mind, me mentally observing him as to put words to it, "-different, it looked like me, but I could not...or is that me? And I am the fake?"

I started to spiral, rambling, my mind running at least a million miles per hour. Neteyam looked very concerned, reaching forward and grabbing my hand that was still touching my face, trying to ground me from the panic attack that was coming on.

"Mawey, mawey." He soothed me, his voice calm and giving me something to focus on. I took deep breaths, shaking my head to sort myself out.

After a few moments of calming down, I continued, "I am unsure what to think. I do not feel like I know who I am, who he is, my origins, or any of it." I didn't know if my words made sense to him, though he listened intently, stroking my hand.

My eyes struggled to find something to focus on, thoughts running through my head that I couldn't begin to put into words. I was trying to, but I had been struggling with my sense of self and staying in the moment; I feel disconnected. Why are my thoughts so loud? Why will they not leave me alone and give me a moment of peace?

Before my thoughts could spiral anymore, I felt a hand on my face, gently moving my head to look at the hand's owner. The male across from me made eye contact with me, me looking into his golden eyes, a sense of familiarity and warmth filling me.

At that moment, right when he touched me, and I gazed into his eyes, I felt those loud thoughts become quiet.  The ones that had been plaguing me for days on end had become nothing more than the voice in the back of my mind.

"Can I do something?" He asked quietly, me nodding like I was in a trance. He reached behind me, grasping my braid gently, bringing my queue forward as he'd done when I was in ikran form many times. He let go of my hand and reached back, reaching for his own braid, bringing his queue forward.

He hesitated in connecting them, looking up at me, his eyes asking for consent. I felt a bit nervous about this, despite us having done this more times than I can count, but I was in my other form all those times. I gulped thickly, trusting him, nodding my head. I could feel my heart about to beat out of my chest, my heartbeat in my ears as I felt some excitement and curiosity bloom in me.

He brought his queue closer to mine, the tendrils dancing momentarily before they connected as they'd done so many times before. Though, this time, I felt something much more intense than I had each time. I felt an intense warmth and feeling of almost euphoria course through my veins, a quiet gasp coming from my lips before I could stop it.

Neteyam seemed to be feeling the same thing, his pupils blowing wide, him looking up at me, making eye contact. I could see his blown-wide pupils, though he shut his eyes, taking deep breaths.

He made an odd face, causing me to feel a bit of nervousness spike in me.

"What is it? What do you feel?" I asked nervously, him reopening his golden eyes, a sweet smile coming onto his face as he answered me with the most sincere tone I have ever heard.

"I feel you."