Tantamount

Wounded

Days passed by, repeating the same pattern. Wake up, train with Levi and the squad, have dinner, sleep, rinse, and repeat.

The sun was burning my exposed skin. My lungs were burning, and my knuckles were bruised. Levi launched another attack I dodged, my fist colliding with his ribs. He took hold of my wrist and punished me closer to him. I kicked at his legs, making him lose balance, but his grab on my wrist didn't falter. Taking me down with him. We wrestled for control till he was on top of me, both of my hands restrained by one of his hands. The other hand had a wooden knife he was pressing against my neck. Our training session usually ended with me on my ass, but this time I had put up a good fight. My focus shifted at the pressure of his body on top of mine. The hold on my hands made my stomach drop. My mind drifted to memories I didn't want to remember, 'not now.' My breathing grew uneven, and my mind grew frantic.

Levi's eyebrows furrowed, and he slightly softened the grasp on my hands.

"(y/n)?"

I couldn't breathe, and my head was spinning. 'I'm in control, I'm in control, I'm safe, I'm not defenseless anymore.' I kept repeating, but it didn't help.

I moved my hands abruptly, releasing them entirely from his grasp. I pushed him off me and stood up. My stance was on the defensive, ready to pounce at any sign of threat. My whole body shook with a mix of panic and rage.

Levi slowly stood up. Scanning my whole body. I panicked, '(y/n) that's not the same look those monsters gave you. He is trying to see what's wrong with you. What's wrong with you?'

Tears filled my eyes, and I couldn't control my whole body from shaking, the disgust that crept up my skin. I wanted to rip my skin off. The ghost touch of a life I tried to forget came rushing.

'I need to leave. I need to go.'

I turned and started walking away. I was heading toward the woods, not because I intended to, but because it was where my feet took me. I heard steps behind me, and I snapped. I turned around, and my voice came up cold and void. "Take one more step, touch me again, and I swear I will cut your hands off. No one will EVER hurt me like that again." Tears fell down my face, and I hated it.

I see how his eyes soften slightly for the first time since I've met him. His voice was soft, like I was a cornered animal, and he didn't want me to run off.

"(y/n) I can't let you walk into the woods alone. People are still doubting you and I can't take my chances, not because I don't trust you, I do. I don't trust them. If you need to walk it out, do it, I will keep my distance, I won't speak, I won't get close, but I can't let you leave alone."

More tears fell, and I couldn't take it. 'I'm broken, I'm broken, and there's no fixing me.'

I turned and kept walking. I walked and walked and cried. Levi kept his distance just like he said. Not a hit of judgment nor pity from him.

I was already exhausted, and now I felt void. Wanting to feel anything familiar, I punched the nearest tree. Such a stupid and senseless action. The pain shot through my arm, and as I looked at my knuckles, now filled with blood, 'I'm scum' I punched the tree again and again and again. 'I'm worthless. I'm scum.'

I punched till I could barely feel my hands. Blood ran down my arms and pooled at my feet. 'I must look insane. Maybe I am insane' I felt empty and tired. With a labored breath, I let my bleeding hands drop to my side, and as exhaustion took over, I just leaned my head on the tree.

Levi stood at a distance. Worry slightly hunting his features, but he remained put. "(y/n)?"

I couldn't reply. Words got caught in my throat, so I just looked at Levi's grey eyes.

"Are you done?" the question wasn't harsh nor condescending. I just nodded and started walking back, heading straight to my room.

I heard his voice again as I entered the wooden building and reached for the stairs. Still soft. 'Who knew the captain was capable of it.'

I turned to him, not caring about what he was about to say. I just wanted to stop the thoughts and the memories from flooding my head.

"(y/n)... your hands are bruised pretty bad. I can clean them...if you allow me." I nodded, not wanting to argue, and headed to the kitchen sitting on the nearest stool. Before I knew it, Levi had bandages, and everything he needed to clean my wounds spread across the kitchen table.

"May I?" he asked, nodding at my hands. I put them on the table so he could do his work. His hands were gentle, and he moved slowly.

"Do you think i'm crazy?"

"No." He cleaned my hands, and the numbness started to wear off. Pain shoots through my arms, but I don't have the energy to flinch.

"I think you have a wound that hasn't healed yet. But you can't let it swallow you whole. If it does, they win."

The hollowness of my chest got replaced with pain and shame. So I did what I always do when I'm sad or in pain. Make a joke out of it.

I chuckled. 'I am going mad.'

"I must have looked insane punching that tree." While I knew it was true, I did feel the shame of him seeing me at such a low point. Despite his ashole attitude, I've grown accustomed to his quirks and overall asshole personality, and weirdly enough, I think I've actually grown to respect him and look up to him even. I stared at his face expectantly, trying to read him. He was concentrated.

"You looked like a damn idiot." My heart skipped a beat. 'I know its true but damn.'

"So how about next time if you need to be an idiot you be smarter about it. We're going to have to switch your training routine till you hands heal."

I raised an eyebrow. "So you're telling me to be a... smarter idiot next time?" I gave him a lazy smirk. My whole body was in pain, and I grew exponentially more tired with each passing second.

He stopped working and glared. 'Shit, he is staring into my soul.' As he looked back at my hands and continued working, I released a breath I didn't quite realize I was holding.

"I'm saying, I'll be more careful when we train together and you will find a less damaging way to handle your emotions."

He was right, but I would not have it if he meant he would go easier on me during training. But before I could complain, he spoke as he carefully wrapped my left hand with a bandage.

"So what was it?"

"What?"

"What made you.."

'ah, what made me go crazy.'

"I felt like I was trapped and... well, you were on top of me so..." I didn't know how to word it without recalling the memories.

"I understand. You don't need to go into detail. I will take that into consideration when we train but don't think for a second I'm gonna go easy on you." the corner of his mouth rose ever so slightly, and I smiled.

"Good and ... thank you, Levi."

As he bandaged my right hand, we sat there in silence, and I started to take notice of his grey eyes, once void of life and harsh, but in this dimly lit kitchen, and with the light of the moonlight as it entered through the nearest window his eyes were softer. His whole self seemed almost serene, wildly contrasting what I usually see from him daily. I just smiled as I thought about how usually I'm the one bandaging and helping up others and how the person I expected the least was here, carefully taking care of my wounds, without judgment nor pity.