don't get your hopes up ☆ {daron malakian}

5

{this was so self projected im sorry
also nothing happens in this its just the protagonist pretty much venting in their head LMAO}

-

It became clear that me and Daron had made a silent agreement to act as we usually did around the band, keep it on the down low. In reality, we were closer than we had ever been, and the next few weeks of touring were... different to say the least.

I woke up one morning, air from the window cooling down the hot hotel room, a thin linen blanket spread across my body. It was hot, but I quickly realized that the heat came from the body pressed against mine, shirtless. In fact, I was shirtless too, the clothing thrown off to the side.

I liked the feeling of the boy next to me, loved his proximity, loved the shared warmth. However, I couldn't ignore the way my heavy heart burned in my chest or the way my stomach curled with anxiety as I was riddled with the reminder of my feelings, haunting as they echoed within the depths of my mind.

I shakily inhaled, guilt stirring within me, nauseous as I dwelled on the feelings that pooled in my stomach. I was angry at myself— angry I let myself get attached, angry that despite knowing how I tended to get, I still got sexually involved with Daron. I should've known better, should've predicted this— should've prevented it.

I was sick, almost ashamed at myself for my feelings, embarrassment washing over me for getting attached over a few sexual encounters despite knowing that deep down that wasn't fully the truth. I wanted to regret this, wanted to regret the countless times our bodies were pressed together, hot mouthes against skin— but I couldn't.

The air was tight, my breath short as I struggled to breathe, panic rising within me from my plaguing mind. My stomach twisted, tying in knots as a whirlpool formed inside of me. My heart was loud as it raced against my chest, the rapid thumping echoing in my ears.

Why did I have to fall for him? We were bound to stay friends with benefits, nothing more, and that's what hurt the most. The way I yearned for him, needed him in a way that was far past sexual, it hurt.

Daron quietly sighed in his sleep, the sound pulling me back into reality, the vibrations tingling the back of my neck, pulling me in impossibly closer.

I slowly exhaled, softly breathing as my body relaxed in his arms, appreciating the shared warmth as it aided in calming my crazed mind. I felt stupid, rightfully so, as the mere fact that I ever thought this situation between us would be a good idea, appalling. I was so blind, the signs all there, obvious from our first night yet too stupid to ever catch them.

However, despite the intense feelings of regret, shame, and guilt, I was unable to let go— unable to pull away from the hold of Daron's arms. I loved the way he held me, loved the way he smelled, loved the warmth he radiated. I loved this no matter how much I tried to tell myself otherwise.

-

Even with the sudden revelation, with the way I beat myself up for the emotions I felt for Daron, that didn't seem to stop any of our sexual activities, the realization playing little to no influence in my decision to stop or continue.

I kept my feelings to myself, never admitting them out loud and instead ignored it, quietly yearning for him as I drowned in waves of shame and guilt.

Maybe it was stupid, but I knew this wasn't good for me, fully aware of how bad it was to continue, but I couldn't find the emotion in me to stop. I put little to no effort into ending this unspoken agreement between the two of us.

It didn't stop us from messily shuffling to the dressing room after a show, getting on my knees and sucking him off as our friends were just outside, clueless. Soft moans escaping his pink lips, hands gripping hair.