don't get your hopes up ☆ {daron malakian}

6

We were on the bus nearing the next city, also nearing the end of the tour. Serj, Shavo, and John all happened to be asleep (or rather in their bunks) and so Daron and I had the living room area to ourselves. It was quiet, the ambient sound of the road and the sound of the television being the only noises. The orange sun setting outside the window illuminated the otherwise dark and lifeless room. The couch was soft and warm, my back pressed against the large cushions, my head leaning against Daron's shoulder, eyes lost in the bright screen up on the wall.

We sat silently, enjoying the ambience sound as the small television screen faded to black, credits rolling as the film's signature soundtrack played in the background, the movie finally coming to an end.

There was a comfortable silence, the movie slowly rolling through various names and titles as the song swiftly changed. A shadow of warmth encompassed me, appreciating Daron's soft shoulder and comfortable body heat as my mind drifted into another world, eyes focused on the black screen.

Daron mindlessly reached for my fingers and held them, fiddling with them and rubbing my knuckles, gently fidgeting with my hands. I didn't mind the touch— didn't mind our bodies squashed together despite the ample space between us. I wished I would've minded more. Despite the fact that the two of us had been completely exposed to each other too many times to count over the past few of weeks, his presence still made me slightly nervous.

The cushions shifted as Daron's arm stretched to grab the remote sitting a few inches away, separating our bodies in result. My expression dropped at the loss of comfort, Daron taking hold of the plastic item and shutting off the television, leaving us in a quiet room with only ambience to fill the liminal feeling.

The orange sun continued to peak through the large glass window, the bright light hitting my face which only made my eyes grow heavier, a yawn escaping my lips as the fatigue started to become more apparent.

The tiredness was a little unjustified, the day uneventful compared to every other. The only thing we had done was go to a restaurant for a small meal and pack up our things in the (what felt to be) 100th hotel of the tour, so that we could head on to the next city. It wasn't anything too exciting.

But I was here now— relatively alone with Daron in the small living space, the painful reality finally catching up to me and impaling my heart as I realized that I was no longer able to continue to live in this false fantasy.

The nerves I was able to semi- avoid for the past day or so had completely returned, burning into me as it ran through my veins and up my bloodstream, my heart picking up at the thought of what I had to do. my stomach dropped, weighed down by the cruel reality of my strong feelings for the boy next to me.

I wished I could further delay this moment but I knew it would only be more detrimental and this had to be done. Still, I took a few moments with him, sitting on the couch, huddled as his soft hand rested on my thigh, his thumb caressing my skin.

It only made me dread it more.

I had been planning this conversation out in my head for a few days now, the weight of my feelings too much for me to bare. I knew that if I continued this dynamic we had (fucking like rabbits, caring for each other behind closed doors, but acting like complete strangers around anyone else) that it would only further deepen the problem. I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to continue because I knew that as soon as I vocalized my concerns this would be all over; I would no longer gain affection from the man I craved it from the most. I just knew it was terrible for both of us.

I harshly swallowed and took in a deep shaky breath. I moved Daron's hand away and turned my body to properly face him, meeting his eyes, curiosity within them.