My Journey to Widowhood

Forward. Move forward.

Five days after the funeral my niece's boyfriend, Chris, who was an EMT at the time, set up an event for Logan. He had an ambulance, police car, life flight, and a fire truck for him to look at and touch. This was just for Logan, and he felt so special getting to sit inside each of the vehicles, try on the different hats and helmets, and talk to the first responders. I was thankful to Chris for setting this up and giving my little boy some time away from the chaos.

I noticed that from Logan's perspective as a kid, people will give you a sad look, a hug, a gift, but they don't think of you often in the days to come. Their lives go back to normal. They don't realize that your home life has changed. The tv in the living room now stays off so it's quiet all the time. You will go to bed each night without that goodnight hug from your dad. Your mom wakes you up in the mornings now. Someone else now picks you up from school permanently and that bothers you each afternoon when you sit in class. Your dad won't be the one helping with homework before your mom gets home from work, or be there to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Now, you will go home to an empty house each day until your mom gets home in the evening. She cries a lot but still tries to spend time with you. She tries to smile but you can see that she is hurting and misses him just like you do.

Other parents don't think of things like inviting you along, especially dads. It broke my heart last winter when his friends dads were taking them hunting, and Logan asked me if I would take him. I hope that in the future if I see a young girl without a maternal figure, I am prompted to take her to do things that a mom would take you to do. I want to be that type of person. 

What Chris did for him that day was a grand gesture. He has always said that he sees himself in Logan, and Logan has thought the world of Chris since the day he met him, however now he feels a bond towards him. He looks up to him and he will always remember the event that he put together for him. 

Six weeks went by, and Logan and I took a trip with my cousin to her sister's house in Gulfport, Mississippi ten hours away. I needed to escape my reality and he wanted to see the Gulf. My sister was concerned about me going so far and getting homesick. It was her birthday week and she wanted to be home with her kids, so the day after her birthday, she woke up and drove the ten hours to be by my side. I was so happy to see her when she pulled up in the driveway that evening. The four of us ladies spent hours every day sitting on the back patio drinking coffee and telling stories. We laughed until our sides hurt and shed a few tears as well. I rarely saw Logan on our trip. My cousin's husband took him and the other kids to Mobile and New Orleans to museums, otherwise he was upstairs gaming. We saw each other at mealtime and bedtime.  It was so good for my soul to have that time away with a few of the people that I am closest to.