This is my story of falling in love, dealing with a roller coaster of emotions while caring for my husband through his illness, his passing, and living with my grief. Knowing the outcome, it was his choice to not receive a heart transplant. I was an...
Logan and I have always been close, but over the time since Michael's passing, we have grown even closer. It's just the two of us. He had severe anxiety attacks at night a few times a week for a while. I would do my best to comfort him by praying over him, rubbing his back, hugging him, and doing deep breathing. Those were scary moments for me as a mom, and heartbreaking as well. Thankfully, the anxiety attacks subsided after a few months.
We made a list of things that we want to do together, and we are steadily checking things off of our list. Concerts, basketball games, mini-vacations, and our favorite- a hockey game. I am trying to make as many good memories for him as I can.
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Michael loved shoes, specifically Jordan's. When he got his first paycheck as a teenager, he bought a brand-new pair for over $200 that I still have in the original box with the receipt. He talked about not having money as a kid and always wishing that he could have nice shoes. He also spoke of not having basketball shoes one year and the coach bought some for him. This sparked his dream of wanting to open his own shoe store and donate a pair to each basketball player on Eufaula's team during basketball season. He never got to open that shoe store; however, Logan has that same dream of opening one when he is old enough. Michael made up for not having "cool" shoes in adulthood and made sure that Logan had nice ones as well. I would do his clothes shopping, but Michael would take him shoe shopping and I did not want to know what they spent. This was what they bonded over. Logan dug a few pairs of Michael's out after I packed them away and they sit displayed on a shelf in his room. He can't wait to grow into his daddy's shoes and wear them.
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Logan also randomly sits things of Michael's in his room. A pillow made from one of his shirts, a picture of the two of them fishing, a pocketknife. I never know what I am going to find, that he has dug out of Michael's belongings. I am proud that he has gotten to the point that he can do this. For months he wouldn't talk about his dad, and he did not want to see any of his things. I expressed the importance of talking about him and keeping his memory alive, and one day he just started talking about him again. Although it can sometimes be hard to hear, like when I am not expecting it. The first memory that I have of him doing this was in the toy section of Target. Michael loved toys, especially superheroes. We were walking down the aisle and Logan said, "Dad would have sure liked that one". My eyes welled up with tears and I said, "He sure would have, buddy". Since then, it happens all the time whether we are in a store, or he is shopping online. He will show me his phone and say, "Dad would have liked this pair", "Do you think Dad would have liked these", or my favorite "What was Dad's favorite number of Jordan's again?". The answer is 4's, 5's, and 6's.
