The Death Note

18 // Liliana

We're sitting in my bedroom, on the bed, me propped up on my pillows, out of my wheelchair. The light is off and the curtains closed, but we have two lamps on so the room is cosily lit in a warm, yellow light.

"You are a good person," Charlie is reassuring me, "Other people just aren't."
I stay quiet. I know other people aren't. Jack Aleser and Alesha Henries, who are the leader of their little 'gang', in particular are not good people. But I'm not good either. They showed that. I showed that.
"You're a great person, and I think you should forget the bullies," Charlie continues.
"I'm not a good person though, am I?" I ask rhetorically, "I have nothing good to do in the world."
"Um, yes you are," Charlie says, "You're funny, friendly, and when you get over this depression, you could go far."
"My grades are bad though, and I have no friends, so I can't do anything."
"Okay, well your grades can be improved , I'm sure that will happen. As for friends, what am I if I'm not a friend? And Jessica, she's coming over tomorrow, so she must be a friend, mustn't she?"
"Mm," I murmur, disagreeing with him. Jessica isn't really my friend, she leaves me when Jack and Alesha come over. And my grades... They can't be fixed.
"Come on Lily," Charlie says, turning to sit cross legged, facing me. I don't reply. "Okay, what are your grades?"
"Pretty much D's, E's and F's in everything," I say quietly, my voice cracking. Tears are trying to push through out of my eyes. I rub them furiously, but a few leak out anyway.
"It's fine," Charlie says, putting his hand on my knee.
"It's not," I say, through my tears.
He doesn't answer, just puts his arm around my shoulders. I rest my head on him, and wipe my eyes, but the tears keep coming like waterfalls down my cheeks.
"And I have to go back to school in a few days," I say, more nervousness and sadness building up in my chest as I think about school. I feel the same as I did the day before I jumped.
"I know," Charlie says, kindly, "I'll help you through it. I'm staying for two more days after you go back."
"You can't help," I say. How can he? He can't come in and just remove all the bullies, can he? He can't improve my grades, he can't make people like me.
"I can try," he says, "First you need to just try and ignore the bullies."
"That's harder than it sounds," I respond, wiping my eyes again, "They push you against walls and punch you, and yell."
There is a pause as he thinks, then Charlie replies, "Avoid them, and if they do catch you, just try to act neutral around them. Pretend nothing happened. If you make it boring for them they'll get bored and stop."
"Do you know how many times I've been told that?"
"Lots?" Charlie suggests.
"Yep."
"But it should work. Try it, for me."
"Maybe."

We sit like that for a while, Charlie's arm around my shoulder, me leaning into him, and him getting me to talk about my depression, and trying to help me. And I do have to admit, after talking about it and Charlie giving me a load of possible solutions and advice, I do feel a small amount better. Not loads, as I know most of his solutions won't work, but knowing that he's here for me makes me feel a bit better. Makes me feel less worthless.

* * * *

There is a knock on the door, and after I call for the person to come in, Mum steps through the doorway.
"It's probably time for bed," she says.
"What's the time?" I ask.
"Eleven."
Charlie stands up, and for a moment facing me, hesitating, then bends down and gives me a hug. My heart starts beating double time immediately, and part of me thinks 'why?' but the other half knows exactly why.
"Night," he whispers, "Stay happy."
"Night," I reply, "I'll try."

He stands up again and then leaves, after giving me one last look. I sigh.

"Shall we get your pyjamas on then?" Mum says, shutting the door.
"Yeah," I reply.
She picks up my blue nighty and puts it on my bed, before helping me get my clothes off.
Once I'm changed and ready and in bed, my mum leaves, turns the light off and shuts the door. I wait till she's gone downstairs and then pick up my phone.
Facebook.
Notifications.

Jack Aleser- liliana is comin bak 2 skl on mon we shoud make her a cake
Alesha Henries and 47 others like this 👍
Comments
Alesha Henries- yea we should thatll welcom her bak nicley
Jack Aleser- im missin her so much
Alesha Henries- o yea same i miss those wimpy, cheatin, smelly featurs
Jack Aleser- dont forget the clumsyness & the spots
Alesha Henries- haha we should wash those spots of 4 her
Jack Aleser- yas!

Oh no. Make me a cake again...
That basically means they're going to throw flour, eggs and milk at me.
Wash my spots off... That'll be something horrible. Do I even have many spots? Probably, actually. I feel a lump in my throat. I don't want this. I don't want to go to school. Not with them there.
I rub my eyes, and wonder why I don't just delete Facebook. Then I can't see all these comments.

I scroll down a bit and find a post from school (don't know why I'm following them!)

Kellford High School- Proud to announce that year 10 pupil Liliana Wellford will be returning to school on Monday after an accident that left her in hospital.

Oh, thanks for announcing that.
Why does everyone need to know that? Half the population of the school probably didn't know what had happened, but now they do.
That's going to be fun.
No comments. Of course no one dared say anything when the head teacher could see it straight away. Of course.

I scroll down more, and read more comments on me returning, and feel my self esteem lowering, and lowering, and lowering. Every single post says something bad, everything single one points out another of my many flaws, and every single one has lots of likes.
I switch off my phone and put it on my bedside table.
I lay awake until 1am, even though I'm exhausted. I keep going over the posts on Facebook, and thinking about school and Charlie, occasionally leaking tears, and feeling terrible the whole time. I can't sleep. I shouldn't live. I have nothing to live for.

A U T H O R' S N O T E

This was pretty short and bad sorry 😪

The updates may be a bit slower because I'm writing something else as well (😏😏) but I won't publish it until it's finished.

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Emma 🍄