Millie

Chapter Three - Annual Greek Vacation

My toes sink into the warm sand, and I lie back letting the sun loose on my body... every bit still aching a little from an intense spring season of soccer.

We made mid table. That would have to do. It was frustrating though, knowing we could have done better. Next season we would go again, and try harder. With new girls, fresh blood, and some leaving for pastures new it was a fresh start.

The truth is, my mind hadn't been too focused on soccer. My time at university had started with a love affair I couldn't have prepared myself for, followed by a family revelation I didn't see coming, and a massive break up that I didn't handle well.

I never wanted to break up with Millie. I would never want that, but as soon as she called out my behaviour and asked for time out... I got triggered... that I wasn't enough for her.

Millie was older, way more mature, and absolutely beautiful. She could have anyone she wanted, and so why should she want a freshly twenty year old with issues, and a bad habit of finding solace partying and getting drunk.

We had six months start to finish. She appeared into my life and fit right in like she was meant to be there. My family loved her, my friends loved her... and I loved her.

I knew I was an idiot for not returning her texts... but with each ones arrival I still wasn't feeling good enough, or worthy of her. I had thrown myself into the partying even more so when she left town, and I am ashamed to say I've hooked up with more girls in my dorms and college town than I'd like to admit. I put Clark to shame, and that said something. That had added to my belief that she needed better than me. I had moved on with other people, and she deserved better.

I've been running so fast against the ghosts at my back... that I've forgotten who I am and why I am worthy of love at all. The details that came out about my birth father, they destroyed me, and my Mama too a little bit.

Mama was lucky, she had my Mom, and she was six months into therapy now about it all. Mama was back to glowing, and feeling safe in her skin again. I however. I was still trying not to trip as I ran, knowing he was right behind me, breathing down my neck. The product of a sexual assault... how would I ever feel worthy again?!

My parents wanted to hold me tighter, knowing I was breaking... but all that did was push me further away.

This trip to Greece, it was the first time I had been around my family for more than a couple days since March, when we had all gone to Utah for my great grandpa Anderson's funeral. It was a death that we all saw coming, thanks to his grand old age, but one that was hard to face all the same. It came a week after Millie and I went separate ways... and I don't think it helped in my disconnect from reality.

We were two weeks into the month long vacation now, and I was starting to feel myself finally slow down... and the running from my problems, it became more of a slow paced jog.

The love of my family, the chaos of it all... and the way they did hold on tight... I needed that. I should have been running toward it all this time... and not away.

My Yia Yia hugged me so tight that first morning of vacation. I felt the earth leave my feet... and the way she looked to me with as much love as she did Olympia, my siblings and my cousins... it made me feel less like an intruder... and more like the Wren who knew who she was and where she belonged.

I was my Mothers Daughter, and that's where I had to return... to my family's centre.

I was Wren Helena Nomikos, loved, adored and wanted by my family. I had to hold onto that and let the love and security I had always had, lift me back up, and have me stand still in its embrace.