HER WET PILLOW

POOR MOM

CHAPTER 6
POOR MOM
I wasn’t ready for another trouble but I guess I had no option. She was so weak that she sat on the floor as the couch couldn’t satisfy her. She turned to look at me with a smile, pretending everything was fine but I actually caught her red-handed. I went closer to her and all the joy and the happiness that I brought home diminished.
“Mom, what’s wrong?”
“Welcome back dear, how was school today?”
“Mom, I don’t want to talk about school right now. What happened to you? If you tell me, I will gist you about the wonders that happened today.”
“Wonders you say?”
“Yes mom, I am all ears.”
“Ok I will tell you after you take off your uniform and eat. Go quickly.”
“I will be right back.”
I rushed into the room as fast as I could. I pull off the uniform, dropped my bag and rushed to the kitchen to pick up my food. I ate as fast as possible; my anxiety was extra as I wanted to know what went wrong while I was away. I had lot of thoughts in my mind trying to guess what was actually wrong. Was she asked to pay the house rent? Did she suffer lose from her business? Was she attacked in the shop? Was her goods stolen? Did the debt collectors come? Did any of my siblings fall ill? Did she lose her money? Did Dad bit her up again or did he say bad things to her? I couldn’t answer any of the questions in my head. I needed a quick answer to what exactly the problem was but that wouldn’t happen if I was still eating.
It made me rush the food; my mom noticed that I was rushing the Tuwon Shinka and Taushe soup which made her raise her hand to inform me to eat gently. It was actually my favourite meal, I used to eat it with full attention and joy. But that time, it was different as I didn’t even noticed it was my favourite. All I wanted was to know what was wrong with my mom. I actually finished up the food, took the plates to the kitchen and returned to where my mom was sitting.
“Mom I am done. Now tell me what’s wrong?”
“Your anxiety won’t kill you. You rushed the meal you would have spent almost an hour eating today. What a shocking event! All because you want to know what happened.”
“Yes mom. Since I am done doing all you asked of me, I demand an explanation.”
“Okay ma. Sometimes what you do and what you say baffles me a lot. I don’t know if you are my mother or I am your mother.” She paused and then continued.
“I was sitting peacefully in my shop when a young lady came to me. She was weeping and from the look on her face, you will understand that she had been through a lot. She came towards me with her eyes on the ground, it was as if she should command the ground to open and swallow her. She then greeted me and I asked her to come in but she refused. She said it was better for her to stay outside. I thought she even needed help or something not until she told me what brought her which was what melted my heart.
“How may I help you?” I asked.
“Umm…mm I…I…I came to apologize to you.” She said stammering, scratching her head.
“Apologize to me? I haven’t even seen you before. What do you want to apologize for?”
“Are you Mal. Muhammad Ahmad’s wife?”
“Yes I am. So?”
“I…I…I am sorry ma. I am pregnant for your husband.” She said shivering and…”
“Whaaaaat? Mom, how is that even possible? You mean dad is having an affair and he got a woman pregnant? I don’t get it.” I cut in immediately; I didn’t allow her to add a word to what she was saying. I was very shocked and puzzled. I looked at my mom like a lion that wanted to attack its prey. I never expected that, it never came across my mind before. I was very disappointed as I couldn’t say a word to my mom. If I felt that way, imagine what she might have felt when she heard the news. I kept quiet for a minute and then, Mom broke the silence.
“As she said so, I was speechless for a moment but I didn’t know what to say. I then looked at her and asked:
“Then what do you want me to do for you?”
“Ma, I told him about it but he refused to accept the child claiming that the child is not his. After a long talk, he said I should abort the pregnancy but I can’t. I am a poor girl who lives with a single mother. I am all that she has; I can’t afford to lose my life. Please help me. I can’t abort this pregnancy and I am poor to take care of the pregnancy.”
“You still haven’t told me what you want from me.”
“I don’t know how but I want you to help me.”
“First, you were having an affair with my husband. Second, you are pregnant for him. Third, he rejected the baby. Forth, you have no money to cater for yourself and the unborn child. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? What are you going to tell your single mother now? You have brought disgrace to her and yourself. You have destroyed your own future. What were you thinking? Why were you having an affair with an irresponsible married man?” I was talking and crying at the same time. I didn’t even know what to do or how to react to the situation.
“I was desperate, shameless and foolish. I was covered in poverty and the foolish desire to get what I want anyhow. I threw away my home training and I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself for what I did. My friends are from wonderful homes, they get what they want when they want it unlike me who was struggling to get quarter of what they had. I wanted to also fit in despite all that my mom went through to provide for me; I wasn’t contented. I then met your husband who gave me money and I decided to be with him to get money to satisfy my wants; my mom already provided my needs. I was so blinded that I didn’t notice I was getting myself into trouble. He deflowered me and I still didn’t inform my mom. My poor mom  taught she was raising a responsible child. Recently she discovered changes in me and confirmed I am pregnant. My mom was so heartbroken that she blacked out. I took her to the hospital and she was later discharged. My mom hasn’t been eating, she has been in thoughts, and she spends her nights crying. I don’t even know what I can do.  I can’t afford to lose her which was why I met him and he refused the pregnancy. I have no life to live for, I am a disgrace and all I did was to poison the hand that fed me. I am so hopeless; I really don’t know what to do.”
She was weeping whole heartedly. She was in deep pain and I could see she was confused of what to do. I held her and took her into my shop and I later gave her food and water to drink. She is so young and fragile. I calmed her down and I assured her that I would help her after which I went to meet her mom. I spoke to her mom and made her understand the girl’s condition and why she needs help and attention. Finally, her mom was relieved and she accepted it as destiny. No matter how painful and disgraceful that was, her mom still forgave her. She hugged her and assured her that things will be fine. I told them I would help in my own way to support them. They were so grateful. The mother hugged me and tears were rolling down her eyes. I then found my way back home. That’s the hardest thing I did since the day I was born, I don’t know why but even a tear didn’t drop from my eyes. I sat down and different thoughts flowed through my mind. He hasn’t been taking care of us and he still eats from my plate, he hasn’t been buying foodstuff but he spends money on a girl outside maybe it’s even girls, he leaves a retched life yet he got a girl pregnant. Although he bits me up, insults my personality and treats me like shit; that pain has never been deep as what I was feeling. What a trial! I have been tested with poverty and marriage. I calmed myself down and few minutes later, your dad came back home after leaving for two days. Luckily he wasn’t drunk this time so I decided to approach him with the topic and you wouldn’t believe what happened.
“Welcome back.” I said.
“Thank you. I am hungry I need something to eat. Serve me as fast as possible”. He said rudely and for the first time in my life I saw the need to speak back and the courage to answer him. I don’t even know if I should call that courage or anger.
“What should I serve you? Which food did you keep for me to cook for you?” I asked...”
“Mom, that was really brave of you. I am really proud of you mom but I don’t know if you might have received some blows.” I cut in.
“Hmm.. just listen to me anxiety queen. He then looked at me surprisingly and was at first silent. He then said:
“What? How dare you speak to me like that? What do you mean?”
“I am simply saying the truth. How will you eat what we don’t have? When last did you give us something to eat? Do you expect me to get something for you? And besides you left two days ago, what did you bring back?”
“So you want me to keep something before I eat. Despite all I have been doing to help this family.”
“What are you saying? How did you help the family? Tell me. Oh! I have forgotten that you helped us by keeping nothing and leaving us, you helped by insulting me and beating me, you've helped by getting a girl pregnant.” When I said so, he was first puzzled but he gathered the mind to speak back.
“And so what if I get a girl pregnant? What is your own business? Besides I have seen that you have grown wings to speak back when I am talking to you. Have you forgotten I am your husband? Where did your manners go?”
“Imagine a person that lacks respect but want to be respected.” I said and hissed and the next thing I felt was a slap on my face.
“What did you say? What did you say? I will deal with you today.” I ran away and fortunately for me. I had the room keys so I looked myself in till he left. Although the slap hurts, I am really happy that I actually spoke up for the first time in my life. It actually feels good to defend oneself.” She ended.
“First mom, I am really proud of you but again I am very disappointed in Dad. I know he does a lot of bad things but I never knew it was to this extent. And again Mom, why did you decided to help that shameless girl despite all she did?” I asked furiously.
“Well, I had a lot of reasons to help her. Kindness might be what we say to be voluntarily reaching out for others in terms of need, but kindness is incomplete without putting yourself in the person’s shoes and understanding their feelings. Let me tell you something dear, the true test of kindness, goodness and pity occurs when you have to help and understand someone when they have done a lot of harm to you. It is about ignoring your anger and showing care and affection. Although it’s very hard; but it’s the best thing to do. You can’t choose to ignore other people’s problem just because they caused you harm or cheated you in one way or the other. Learn to forgive my dear, but don’t ignore it; learn from it. You won’t want your finger to be bitten by the same teeth again and again. Learn to be selfless; don’t always put yourself forward. There are thousands of people having issues; there are some that you can help, help them. Learn to put the interest of others before yours but that shouldn’t be excessive. Be conscious of your level of selflessness because sometimes, it becomes toxic. Excessive selflessness becomes foolishness.
And again, contentment. If the girl had steak  to what her mother provided and lowered her gaze on what other people had, she wouldn’t have found herself in such situation. Even if it was excessive poverty my dear, there are limits to everything. You not having something shouldn’t make you sell your body for it. If you can’t work for it, ignore it. There is this saying that people misinterpret; use what you have to get what you want. That is not always applicable. Prostitution is not the way out. The dignity of a girl lies in her chastity; her ability to control her desires till marriage. The dangers of  prostitution is far greater than its benefits. It may be the desire or the money that you get, but you lose a lot. Your dignity, your respect in the society, your virginity before marriage, your self esteem, and some get diseases. Prostitution is not an option.  Example of its dangers is pregnancy which usually results to abortion. Abortion is also not an option when there is an unwanted pregnancy. That’s part of the reasons why I helped the girl. At least she is even sensible to know that she shouldn’t go for an abortion. Abortion is not just flushing out the baby. Sometimes it affects the lady’s health. A lot of girls have lost their lives and others have lost their wombs. They would never be able to give birth again as the result of their carelessness.
We shouldn’t just make decisions based on the present; we should consider the future. We shouldn’t also make decisions based on temporary feelings. The thing about feelings is that they change; you may end up regretting your actions. Be very conscious my dear, as life goes on, obstacles increase.” She finally ended with a smile. That smile reminded me of Fatima. I had a very strong woman as a mother, how lucky I was.
“Now tell me about your day at school.” She requested.
“Mom, I had my first period.” I said.
“Really! My daughter is a grown up. Wait, tell me in detail.” She was very enthusiastic. I narrated everything that happened from the beginning till the end. She listened very carefully as if she was receiving lectures. One thing about my mom was that she was a very good listener. And when I finally ended my story, she said:
“Masha Allah! My girl is growing. Lucky you, you got a new friend. I can’t wait to see her. I am proud of you; I knew from the beginning that I had a wonderful daughter. All the ups and downs make us who we are. I have always told you to check things carefully, see what you did to yourself. But still, you had a nice time. Let’s prepare dinner, it’s getting late.”
We stood up and went to the kitchen. We cooked and enjoyed the rest of the day. I gave my siblings the snack and drink I brought and they were very happy. We had a good evening and wonderful night all thanks to mom.
Later at night, she sent us to bed and left for her room. I was fully aware of what was happening but pretended to be asleep. I left our room and went to see my mom. I was shocked at what I saw. I saw my mom sitting after she prayed. She then raised her hands and hot tears rolled down her eyes. She cried to the extent her eyes were red and her hijab was wet. I then knew my mom was hiding her pains and crying alone in the night. She seemed very fine when she left us but the woman I was staring at had wet her cloth with tears. She hid her pain from everyone and pretended to be fine. I couldn’t bear the pains of what I saw. I quickly left and ran to the room. I laid down on the bed, hugged my pillow and cried very hard. The pain was too much; we were in a terrible moment and there was nothing I could  do to help her. Poor mom!