HER WET PILLOW

THAT EXCEPTIONAL FEELING

CHAPTER 14
THAT EXCEPTIONAL FEELING
I stood in front of the crowd with my orbs facing down, trying to ignore the hundreds of gaze fixed at me. Like a chick wrenched in the rain, my limbs were shivering and I was trembling. My left hand was clutched to my suit and the other was wet with sweat with a white paper clasped. The tension was high as there was decorum and everyone awaits what I was going to do. I didn't even gather enough courage to check what the topic was, all I could do was to look down.
"Wars are not fought for personal interest; they are sacrifices for the joy of all. Sometimes, we find ourselves in the peak of some sudden situations which we don't have to think for ourselves but for the people we love and cherish. Our actions are life changing even when we think their outcome will have little consequences. Sometimes we have to be brave and stand on our feet to save the people we love in hard times. My love, Allah doesn't burden a soul with more than it can bear. Things only come our way when we can handle them. I believe in you," my mom's voice spanked me and suddenly, the strong feeling of valour engrossed me.
I raised my head to see the brown teary orbs of the principle staring at me. "I can't be a disappointment." I said to myself. Suddenly, I could hear the crowd murmuring. I raised the wet paper in my sweaty hands and glanced at it only to see "Pain". "I think I can do this. Bismillah (meaning In the name of Allah)". I then held the standing microphone and cleared my throat.
"What can a girl that has seen life in a young age explain more than pain? What can a girl whose everyday's meal is striving define more than pain? What can a girl whose ultimate goal is the feeling of happiness describe more than pain? Thoughts go numb and feelings begin to speak, every heart beat is misery, every breath is suffering, the heart aches and wrench, the heart continues to deform every second, the mind loses focus, the mind lacks solace, the eyes shed intense tears, the face burns, the soul darkens, the view gets blunt, the head becomes heavy, sadness becomes an understatement, anxiety and depression becomes a destination, the body carries the burden, the beating of the heart becomes a venom, hope travels to another planet, the world becomes a cell, living becomes a punishment and the only feeling is helplessness. Humans can't be humans without joy and pain. We have memories and those memories are part of us and who we were but not who we are and who we are going to be. One thing about joy is that it cools the soul, it softens the heart, it glitters the soul, and it pleases the mind and brings comfort to the whole body. We are used to getting things easy that we forget the fact that with ease comes hardship and vice versa. Joy is so amazing that it lightens the atmosphere around us and spreads comfort in the surrounding around us. The sky will look blue, the plants will be green, the ocean will be blue and we will see butterflies beautifully flying around. But.." I then halted to take a deep breath and noticed people's attention drawn to me.
"Suddenly, the clouds become dark, the ocean darkens, plants look brown, and red is the only glittery and bright colour the eye can see. Everywhere becomes dark and dim, our heels break and we fall. The sun shining suddenly becomes the fire burning. The heart pulses deteriorate as time passes. The rose-red heart becomes the blood-stained-daggered heart. The beautifully flying butterflies become bees with hurting stings. Everywhere becomes somber and dim due to the dystopian situation that may have occurred. The life we wish to be prolonged becomes the life we pray to end. We carry lifeless bodies around encountering more sufferings than we can imagine which may be due to what might be our faults or not. We don't have to offend to suffer and we don't have to be innocent to enjoy." I stopped to blink away my tears and look at the principal who smiled at me.
"Pain, greif, anxiety and depression which results from a mediocre event tend to break us more than it builds us. Whereas, it was meant to build us. We begin to shatter, we break down, we lost some parts of us and we tear ourselves apart due to certain calamity or destruction. We might have lost someone or something important, we might have been betrayed, we might have been used, we might have been tortured, we might have suffered for what we had no hand in, we might have been under certain pressure and we might have suffered the pain of the people we love; but no matter what, we are bigger than our problems. The suffering and the hardship we call pain was meant to make us stronger. But that will not happen when we weaken ourselves and give ourselves no reason for hope. That will not happen when we lose every part of us on the way to building ourselves. Taking a case of a lady who lost her children and husband in a car accident. Greif becomes her drink, tears become her product, heart ache become her food, depression becomes her oxygen and all she could see is the dark world around her. Her only believe is that she is a living dead, her only wish is death and her only dream is union with her lost family forgetting the fact that what is gone is gone and denying the fact that it wasn't a nightmare. The last thing in her mind is to give herself a chance in fear of losing everything again. She would love to meet death because it's her only peace. What if she decides to give herself a chance? What will she do with the memories? How will she burry the grief? Can she start a new life? What if her past hunts her? What will you tell a person in such situation? " I halted and cleared my throat.
"Life gives us chance to live again no matter how broken we are. The only help we can do is to start the healing and stop the breaking, which takes a certain level of courage and faith to do. Will that woman have thought of why she was still alive? No matter how dark our situation is, we will find people whose situations are darker. There is something special about pain, it gives us strength. It connects us with one another. The only true way to know the dearest people to us is only in our darkest moments. The only way to know our inner strength is in how we face our darkest moments. The only true definition of who we really are is how vulnerable we are to the problems that occur in our lives. Pain makes us who we are. We fall to know the need to rise. We lose things to know their value. We break to know how to heal. We feel pain to treasure happiness. Pain might feel like pain but countering it, feels like strength. Pain is pain to those who relent but a ladder to greatness for the courageous. Thank you." I ended and I could see tears in some people's eyes, some faces wear wet, and others were down. The rue and glum in their faces said it all. The next thing I heard was a clap from the principal with a beautiful smile and her orbs appearing as shiny as ever. The clap became louder and louder and everyone was clapping.I then whispered "Alhamdulillah ( meaning Thanks be to Allah)". I smiled and made my way down the podium to meet the principal.
All eyes were on me as I took every step and the clapping continued not until the host continued the programme.
"Wooooww.. That was deep. It reminds me of old times. Next is..." that was the last thing I heard before Saliha snuggled me almost crushing my bones with her tight grip. "Oh! My! Allah! I am choking Saliha." I managed to caw out. "Oh! I am sorry. I was just excited." She said as she relinquished me.
"Was I good?" I asked beaming.
"You were awesome." I heard a familiar voice and I turned only to see August smiling. He stood near the principal and I haven't seen Mrs. Asiya as happy as I saw her that day. I could see those teary sparkling orbs that refuse to unleash the load of tears they were carrying. Mrs. Asiya always had a way of controlling her anger and excitement under her umbrella; Only God knows how she managed to do that. I stepped forward to talk to her but she always had her ways.
"Well done, Amina; that was excellent." She complemented smiling. I could swear my jaw was hanging on the floor; she called me by my name. Since my first day in Bright Brain, I had never heard her call a student by his or her name. Hearing her call my name was very exciting but all I could do was to comport myself in front of her.
"Thank you, ma." I replied with a grin.
"No, thank you. I don't even know what would have happened if you didn't appear on the stage or perform excellently as you did. Thank you." She smiled. Her smile was enough for me, she had a very beautiful smile and I was lucky to have seen it more that day.
"Hmmm..Hmm.." she cleared her throat. "I can see you've made a friend from Esteem Academy." She said gesturing to Saliha.
"Yes, ma." I turned to look at Saliha who was smiling beautifully and looking down.
"What did we miss?" The Voice of the Head Boy interrupted and we all turned towards the direction of the Head boy and others who were approaching happily until the bombastic side glare of the principal erased the joy on their faces.
"You missed a lot. Do you want me to narrate what happened?" she asked sarcastically. The Head boy and other students were shivering were they stood with their head tilted looking at the floor. I am sure they were praying for the floor to open and muffle them; anyone will do anything to avoid the principal's rebuke and scorns.
"Let me narrate the result of your misconduct that almost cost the school its reputation. You, the Head boy and your followers left for celebration of what only God knows, forgetting the fact that you came to attend a competition. The impromptu competition started without a participant from Bright Brain" what she said sounded like a released nuclear bomb to the atmosphere. My seniors popped their eyes out in shock realizing the damage they had caused.
"We....I..We are sorry ma." The Head boy gathered the courage to say.
"Do you know the damage this might have caused? The school's reputation, My reputation, your posts and records." She scolded arching her brow and creasing her forehead. The tension in the atmosphere was high with the disappointed principal and regretting students.
Principal Asiya always had her way. Although she was strict and harsh, she was caring and affectionate. She knew her students were sorry and didn't mean to do what they did. Besides, sad and emotional participants won't be productive.
"Hmm..Hmm.." she cleared her throat, drawing our attention. "So what did you get me?" she said and everyone was shocked. It sounded like a bullet in the chest to hear the principal cracking jokes after what happened. Her joke was silly and unusual to make everyone laugh but my seniors were too sad to fall for it.
"I don't like this somber mood of yours." She said as she gently sat on the chair.
"But ma, we got disqualified for the Impromptu competition." He growled.
"Who said so?" she asked and everyone turned to her amazingly.
"What do you mean ma?" he asked surprisingly.
"Miss.Muhammad did it." She replied pointing at me. All eyes were on me as they showed their shock at the principal's statement.
"Woooow!!" The head boy cawed. The atmosphere changed and everyone was happy once again. The Head boy and Head girl thanked me and gave me a share of what they bought. I was trying to open it when the principal cleared her throat.
"You should all stay here and try not to make more mistakes. I am going for a walk with Miss. Muhammad. Enjoy yourselves." She said leaving the hall as I followed.
We were outside walking side by side until she broke the silence.
"You remind me of my old self. I also did Impromptu for the six years I spent in school."
"And won every time?" I cut in stepping my shoes on the gravels on the ground.
"Yes I did."
"What does wining feels like? I have never won something and I want to know what it feels like." I asked.
"Well. Wining comes along with sense of achievement, pride, joy and an exceptional feeling that can't be defined with words. I am sure you are going to know how that feels, soon." She said smiling.
"Have you ever failed before?" I asked looking at her as she halted near a flamboyant tree.
"I have failed series of times."
"What does that feel like?"
"The feeling of bitterness, the feeling of disappointment, the feeling of shame, the feeling of defeat, a break down, sorrow and pain." She explained.
"Then how do you pick up your broken pieces and glue them together again? Why do you feel the need to rise again after falling?" I asked inquisitively.
"What a wonderful question! My teacher used to say: The measure of intelligence is not in providing the answers to a mystery but in asking the questions of why the whole thing becomes a mystery. Curiosity is indeed intelligence. Einstein was right."
"Einstein? I have heard a lot about him. He was a great scientist."
"Yes he was. Back to your question, as said by Copernicus: our greatest victory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall. It takes lot of endurance and courage to mend broken pieces but once the pieces are glued, they produce a glowing effect. It's easy to continue winning but difficult to win again after a fall. What helps me is the believe that failure is an illusion."
"Illusion?"
"Yes an illusion. I believe failure is an illusion that distract me from believing I am a winner. An illusion will always make you believe you are dreaming when you are awake. Another thing is the believe that failure is a step toward success. The pain of failing makes us know how amazing wining is and we will never know how to rise if we don't fail."
"If failure is an illusion, then success is also an illusion."
"That's right but only for those who believe. Belief is a very good instrument in building and destroying your life. You see things the way you believe they are. So if a person believes success to be venom, then so it shall be. But even beautiful stories have bad chapters, so there shouldn't be problem if the white shirt gets stained."
"I was scared on that stage, do you also feel scared?"
"Ofcourse I do. Every time I step on that podium, the fear of losing strikes me. It wasn't that much when I started impromptu but when I got used to it, the fear of staining my record, the fear of letting people down and the fear of not wining became a habitual worry. The only thing I could do was to be optimistic and supplicate to Allah for my success lies in His hands. Every single time I won, I thank Him and every time I lost, I thank Him for only He knows what is best for me."
"I admire you a lot ma."
"Thank y..." she beamed until she was cut short by the man is blue suit; the anchor.
"Assalamu Alaikum Malika (meaning Peace be upon you, Queen)" he said to her smiling.
"Waalaikumus Salam (meaning Peace be upon you too)" I was left out of the picture until she dragged me in.
"Good Morning sir."
"Good Morning dear."
"I knew it." He exclaimed.
"What?" she asked.
"I knew she was your apprentice after meeting her twice in a day." He said and suddenly, everything made sense. He was the furious man I met on my way, but he looks different when he is not angry.
"I am sorry for what happened earlier sir." I said shingly.
"No it's nothing dear. Your lectures actually sank into my brain." He said and we both laughed.
"I am lost here." The principal exclaimed.
"We had an accident in the morning. The motorcycle she climbed hit my car and I received a lot of lectures."
"Oh! You were part of the accident? God in His ways. Anyways, Amina, meet my was my classmate while I was a student in Bright Brain; Lawal Ahmad, A political Analyst. And Lawal, This is one of the J.S.S1 ( Junior Secondary School 1) students, Amina Muhammad." She introduced.
"Nice to meet you, Amina."
"Nice officially meeting you sir." I said whining and he laughed.
After that, they both got into a discussion and I excused them to meet others. I returned to Saliha and we chatted. She was a spelling bee participant. We shared ideas and I hailed her when her own competition started. Although my senior found me annoying; I was associating with an enemy. They were not happy about it but the principal was fine with it, claiming it was time for the two schools to settle their differences. The rest of the day went fun and the school bus returned us to our various homes. I had a lot of extra cash that day. We were asked to come early for the finals the next day.
I pushed the door inward to perceive the scent of the burning incense wood which was a sign that mom was home.
"Assalamu Alaikum (peace be upon you)"
"Waalaikumus salaam (Peace be upon you too)" I could hear her voice coming from the direction of the kitchen and I suddenly spotted her silhouette. I then jumped on her hugging her tightly and feeling the warmth of her arms. She was looking dazzling as always in her robe.
After a long explanation of what happened, I brought out the extra money and the pastries and drinks I was given.
"Hope you were not injured?" she asked with concern.
"Yes, mom. I am ok. Mom, only if you could see how beautiful that place is. Subhanallah! It's like Jannah in Duniya."
"Really?"
"Yes mom. Where are others? Let's eat ."
"They are inside."
"Mom, please pray for me to win."
"I surely will. I am proud of you Habibti (My love). You've won already, Insha Allah (meaning if Allah wills)."
That was how we enjoyed the night. Mom made Danwake(dumpling) for us and bought some extra drinks. We wined and dined that night. Mom put everyone to sleep and helped me prepare for the competition.
The dark silent morning was beautified with the call of the Adhan. We woke up and prayed, took our bath and dressed. Mom bought Golden morn which we took as breakfast. Luckily, mom's trade had been going well so we had no worries on how to get our next meal. After the breakfast, I took my bag and made my way to the door saying goodbye to mom.
The glowing sun was the first thing to welcome me out that day and somehow, I felt the day was blessed. I got a motorbike immediately I got to the junction. I got to school and the bus drove us to our destination. The same view but it tends to look more beautiful. I saw Saliha and we greeted each other before we path ways.
We sat down and await the anchor who was wearing a black suit, white shirt and red bow tie which made him appear ecstatic and even more when he smile. The few activities left started: Final debate competition and Think and tell. We were given snacks and drinks as we were watching.
Few hours later, the results were prepared, awards and medals were arranged alongside the certificates and everything was ready. The hour had come; students, teachers, principals and the media were all waiting anxiously for the results. I could see the principal so tensed hoping to see that her students did well.
"It is time to celebrate those who had distinguished themselves from others but never forget that everyone here is a genius in his or her own way." The Anchor mentioned. He then invited some high respected persons who attended the event for an address. The lectures were time wasting to me because I was anxious to hear the results, I didn't even pay attention to the lectures.
The Lectures were over and the anchor started to call the winners of each competition. Essay competition was called and we came 1st , Spelling bee was called and we came 2nd; Saliha came 1st in the competition which I rushed to congratulate her, other competitions were called and we either came 1st or 2nd. It was fascinating that Bright Brain will take first place again that year; as usual.
Everything went normal not until I heard the Anchor saying: "Imprumptu Competition". My heart wrenched, the beating was fast, my heart palpitated that Farida heard it and clasp my hand as she beamed and whispered "Everything will be fine." I nod my head and tried as much as possible to control the qualm and strain that I felt. I looked to the left to see the principal and our eyes met. She beamed and straightened her face again as usual.
"For 3rd place, we have Isabelle Adam from Kings and Queens." He said and everyone applauded. The girl gorgeously went to the stage to receive her medal, certificate and cash price. My heart was still beating fast and things were beginning to go out of hand. I didn't see that coming; panic attack. I closed my eyes, took a sip of water and said to myself: "Allah is with me." and I started feeling normal again.
"For 2nd place, we have Joseph Ilyasu of The Mighty College." He also majestically climbed the stage receiving the medal, certificate and cash prize. And my heart started palpitating again and I started t feel nauseous. "What if?" I asked myself. "No, Amina. Be optimistic for once." The voice in my head scolded.
"And for first place, we have....... Should I say it?" He asked.
"Yeeeesss..." the crowd roared. The only person I was looking at was the principal. She was also nervous and dying to hear the result.
"Amina Muhammad of Bright Brain." I heard and felt a pang on my heart. The principal closed her eyes and sniffled in air. She then looked at me and beamed. My seniors and everyone were clapping. "Go!" Farida shouted pushing me.
" Well. Winning comes along with sense of achievement, pride, joy and an exceptional feeling that can't be defined with words. I am sure you are going to know how that feels, soon." Her voice was in my head as I was walking to the stage. Flashes! Flashes! Of the cameras and light. Tears dropped from my eyes, I was shocked and happy, my heart was released, my breath widened, every step I took was in joy, I was wearing the shoes of pride, I could smell success, it was in my bones; my limbs and every part of me.
In front of the media, the students, teachers; I was collecting a medal, cash price and award for the first time in my life for First position in Impromptu competition in my state and the state commissioner issuing it to me. The feeling was ecstatic and the feeling was indeed exceptional.